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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

So there I am, flat on my back...

brought forth this day: 2015-09-17 23:05:07
with my pants around my ankles and a man in a mask is fondling my scrotum and gingerly asks, “So what’s this....Big Red?”
Now, I know what you’re thinking – “what Chinese Laundromat attendant did you find to indulge your sadistic role play, this time”.
But think again, my friends. This guy was an American. He was educated. And had hands like a grandmother tending crying children-soft and caring but purposeful.
Sure... this cost was at a premium but I avoided the nasty infection, the awkward goodbye hug/handshake/hug exchange and didn’t have to stare at that happy Chinese swinging arm pound down cat lucky cat you see by the change dish at every Chinese restuarant.
Downside – had to make extra trip to get my pants hemmed.
No folks, this wasn’t just the routine third Tuesday of every month… This time I was getting a Vasectomy and the Dr. noticed my TGRC Big Red T-Shirt and wanted to have a conversation about it.
And I get it. Playing with ball bags and vas deferens and listening to the same shitty jokes about “cutting thru fire hoses”everyday would make anybody crazy. Do that long enough and eventually you’ll find a way to have varied conversation or you’ll find other employment.
By the way – did I mention that Haus got a new job?
So, as Dr. Kirkland laid open my scrot like a filleted flounder and forever sealed off the “tunnel to freedom” for a billion or so of “my boys”, we began to talk tailgating and football.
He’s a Panthers fan and actually thinks he’s seen us tailgating! As I was explaining what we do, he said, “Oh yeah! A big red/fire truck/ambulance looking thing – you guys used to be in that lot on 3rd and Poplar…we use to park in there. Do you own that?”.
I said, “Yes.” And then he murmured something to the effect of – “thank god you’re getting this done.”
I continued telling him the story of Big Red and how she came to be and about hot wings and chili cook-offs, and cotton candy machines and flip cup days, etc, etc. He was genuinely impressed. Or scared. Or disgusted. Honestly, It was the same look April often gives me so I can’t really tell anymore.
As he finished up and I pulled up my pants, very sore and a bit melancholy about what just happened, (literally the exact same thing Geoff goes thru every Friday nite in Wilton Manor since the moved to FL. If you don’t know what I’m talking about – look up Wilton Manor in south FL) I said, “Doc, you should come out and tailgate with us . You can be the official Urologist of the TGRC!”.
He said, “ Thanks for the invite. I might. I’m around dicks all day... so we’ll see.”
Now, why am I telling you all this? I don’t know. I’m working thru some things....but somewhere in there, there’s a story about the far reaching hands of football, tailgating and Big Red. And it’s all about to FIRE BACK UP!!!
After all these years, I still look forward to driving out to a parking lot early in the morning, hanging around an old firetruck, drinking mostly low grade beer, eating processed meats, being with friends and watchingfootball!
Like sex with my wife, even though I know what to expect, typically do it in the same place and (with kids) takes some planning ---It’s still one of my favorite things to do, it’s over too soon and I hope it never stops.
And if I'm being honest, other similarities include - me usually being tired after, it doesn’t happen enuff but can happen too much, there's always a few homeless people showing up and the dog hates it.
So it’s time to get back on it, people! We’ve got the menu all set for the entire year and it starts this week with Texas BBQ. Same lot as last year. We don’t sell food or beer. If you're planning to indulge on a consistent basis...kick in a few bucks now and then.....I don't really care. I'd appreciate your help keeping the randoms at a minimum and fun at a high. This is the last year as Big Red as you know her….so soak her in. It's Football season, people. BE SPECIAL!
Lastly, since some of us haven’t seen each other in a while….thought I would catch you all up on some off season happenings. See you Sunday.

  • Hogan’s trying to get his motocross team, Aerial Unicorns, to perform at a Panthers halftime show. He’s got an online support page – go sign it. If he can’t get a halftime show, he said he’d perform for us at a tailgate. It’s just him, Adam and rotating Home Depot day laborer but I hear its pretty good.

  • Travis and Ashley are expecting! Ashley is expecting a girl and Travis is expecting her to have her ass in that car at 7:45 to go tailgating. Congrats, Snider clan.

  • Waters and Amanda have asked me to officiate their wedding and I accepted. I do have to convert to Judaism, but I’m going to do a convert/convert back type thingy.

  • Hadella has established a Hell’Della Hot Sauce, LLC. He’s currently seeking venture capitalists and/or crowd source funding.

  • Buy futures in Dylan Smith athletic opportunities. He’s the best athlete under four years old that you know. Trust me.

  • If you’re looking for some weird shit to go down, call Timmy B. In the course of 5 hrs he arranged for visits by a balloon artist, an acoustic hippie guitar concert and a fire dancer who was itching to get nude – and this was for a birthday party. Call him up and order the Timmy B. weird du jur and let it just happen.