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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

 What comes to mind when I say -...

brought forth this day: 2014-09-11 23:05:02
mid seventies, occasional wind from the south and mostly sunny?
Although popular, the answer is not... Edis Fulghum. The correct response is - It’s the perfect Football Funday Sunday TGRC 1st Tailgate Kick Off environment!!!! And that’s what we hope to get Sunday  vs. Detroit. But we’ll get to them in a minute.
Lot’s going on to start the new football season. And almost none of it has to do with actual football. The NFL is a fixed outcome, a Hulk Hogan and drop kick away from becoming the soap opera that is WWE. Scratch that last part, Antonio Brown’s flying jump kick against the Browns last week satisfied that criteria. I want my old football back. Where things were hidden and swept under the rug and we could sit idly by and cheer for/against a team for reasons that were trivial and meaningless. As it stands now, having an allegiance to a team can deem you everything from a supporter of domestic violence to being a racist. For example, I recently received an official petition from a life-long TGRC member wishing to have his name legally changed so that he could support his team without fear of being called a bigot.
Fellow members, I present to you -  Matthew Running-Waters, Washington Redskins fan. Edis, who is actually Native American, will soon be taking Running-Waters on his vision quest. In the old world, they would sit in a sweat hut and wait for the vision horse to show them their future, cleanse in a nearby stream and then share a peyote drink. Edis is just gonna take Matt to the steam room at the Y and show him what he's gonna look like in the future, take a communal shower in flip-flops and then get coffee at Hardee's . It’s not exactly keeping with tradition but its close enough to let Running-Waters check the box and support his Skins in public.
There are many things some people find offensive. We Tailgate by a simple code – Don’t be a dick! If you’re saying and/or doing anything that is malicious or ill spirited, then you’re a dick. Don’t do that. If you’re not a dick…you’ll have a great time Tailgating with the TGRC.
And to that point – this Sunday is gonna be awesome! Usually, the first few home games are as hot and sweaty as Geoff Bent’s hairy thighs in wool pajamas in an air-conditionedless bedroom on an August Miami nite. (How are things down there in SoFlo, G-Off and Lorin? ) But we’re getting a treat for our home opener and we’ll be breaking in the new spot at 601 S. Cedar St. as we face the Detroit Lions.
Detroit has given the world a lot – Bob Segar. Eminem. Madonna. Kid Rock. The car. And a whole bunch of other shit and people, but that’s not the point during Football season. When you think of the Detroit Lions you, historically, think about two things –

  • I wonder at what point of the Thanksgiving day ass kicking they’ll be taking, will I fall asleep. (speaking of Thanksgiving, that’s Rachel Harris’s favorite Holiday. Ask her about her favorite kind of stuffing. Welcome back, Rach! We missed you)

  • Sonofabitch…..how do you not win at least one game out of 16.

  • The Detroit Lions have a .479 Thanksgiving day winning percentage – sub .500. Not abysmal, but damn... you play it every year…you should have that one down.  The Cowboys, who also play every year and haven’t been good in a decade, have a .641 winning percentage.
    And in 2008 the Lions didn’t win a single game. Not one. In fact, they only won one game the year before. The Lions are the only team in the modern expanded game schedule era to go winless. And I don’t care how many Matt Staffords and Megatrons you have, that stinch just doesn’t wash off over nite. You’d rather drink month old milk milk that was strained thru Todds’ soiled Harry Cary pants than live with the Detroit Lion’s history.
    But having said all that – that’s the past. They DO have Calvin Johnson and Matt Strafford and a whole cast of capable characters. They’re pretty good. But they’re still Detroit. Make ‘em remember that, Carolina.
    So what’ll we have at the Tailgate? The only thing I could find – food wise- specific to Detroit was Apples. But who the hell wants to fill up on apples at a Tailgate? Hell, Hogan doesn’t even know what they look like. His college “girlfriend” had the biggest one I’d ever seen right there in her throat and he never recognized.
    What I did find, was the dueling Coney Hot Dog establishments – American Coney and Lafayette. They’re next door to each other and have been waging wiener wars for decades. (Insert joke here). So in addition to some typical fare, it looks like we’ll have hot dogs – Detroit style…(insert whatever joke here).
    So don’t try to ease in. Time to come in guns ‘a blazin. It’s fall. It’s football. We’re Tailgating. And those are all good things.
    See ya Sunday.