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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

Well, people…it doesn’t get any bigger than this....

brought forth this day: 2014-01-09 23:05:01
There’s been no more important game played in that stadium. This is what we’ve asked for. A few years ago when Haus confronted Danny Morrison (Panthers President) in nothing but speedos and suspenders and demanded he “Fire Jimmy Clausen, we want to win”- this is what we asked for. When Jill and Rachel dressed up like Panthers in full costumes and growled and posed for pictures with Danny Morrison- this is what we asked for. When Danny Morrison came by the Christmas tailgate and Eric was planting a tree, putting out a Christmas blanket and Waters was dressed like he made pants from asbestos curtains and stole a substitute teachers Xmas sweater, and we bitched about the team-this is what we asked for. (Seems as though Danny Morrison has taken a lot of abuse from us). When Eric constructed the Panthers coffin and we buried the 2-14 season along with John Fox’s 3rd and long draw plays, gloved QB’s and porous defenses, - this is what we asked for. When I do my annual pilgrimage to Jerry Richardson’s house (like a crazy Elvis fan to Graceland,) and sit by the gated fence shoving in his mailbox the countless plays I’ve drawn up, stadium suggestions I’ve constructed, portraits I’ve made of him out of hard macaroni and legal documents I’ve forged showing we’re related – this is what I’ve asked for.
We asked to be relevant. We asked to be competitive. We asked to be in a position of power and respect in the NFL with a chance to hoist the Lombardi trophy and proclaim the Carolina Panthers - Super Bowl Champions!!!
Well, we’ve got that chance. And what are we gonna do with it? If you keep asking the Prom Queen out on a date and she finally says YES….are you gonna cower in the corner, say your helping Travis with his play list that nite and can't go OR are you gonna man up, make a presumptuous reservation at the Econo-Lodge, buy a box of Magnums and some twist ties and when the time is right…..KEEP POUNDING!
Well, Sunday afternoon at 1:05 we’ll play the San Francisco 49ers for the right to advance to the NFC Championship game and KEEP POUNDING! We’ve played them and beat them …at their house. Now they come to ours in a win or go home game.
And I’m nervous. I went for a physical this morning and they couldn’t even give me my monthly prostate exam because I was so clinched up.  Dr. said I was so tight I should keep my valuables back there. I took it as a compliment considering Hogan’s doctor said his was as wide open and lax as Target’s credit card security. They call him Eric Snowden behind his back b/c of how loose he is.
Anyway….I’m nervous not b/c of the team’s ability to win – they’ve proven they can. Not b/c of the finality of losing – we’ve been there before.  I’m nervous, in a good way, b/c I think this is our window opening. I think we’re gonna be in this position for years to come. But let’s take the opportunity in front of us and push that window wide open. Let that winning breeze (not the one out of NO) blow thru this house and clear out the stinky stale stench of losing.  We're on the inside now. We no longer have to dress in our Ninja outfit and hide in Mr. Thomas’s sycamore tree and peep thru the window at that Prom Queen….she’s opened it and said “Daddy’s asleep, come on in!”
Well folks, I’ve got my Durex Ribbed for Her Pleasure condoms already on, the ladder is laid against that vinyl siding, I’m gonna be quite as a church mouse so Daddy doesn't hear (can’t say the same for the prom queen….knowwhat i’msayn) and I’m ready to KEEP POUNDING!!!!!
But since I have as much chance of actually playing in the NFL as Matt Futrelle does of being able to blink in a pair of sunglasses – (because of his big eyes. Too much of an inside joke? thought so)….as Todd Horton does of being asked to write an abridged version of anything (too literal?) ….as Waters does of being self deprecating (too common knowledge?)....how ‘bout this - As this game does of not being exciting….then we’ll do our POUNDING at the Tailgate…like we always have!!!!
What will we do for food? I don’t know yet – sourdough and Rice-A-Roni? I'll figure it out.
What will we drink? Anchor Steam, maybe. It'll be cold.
What time will we get there – EARLY!
This is it people. Strap it on. Ice it up. Stretch it out. This is our first step in pursuit of post season Glory!!!!!!