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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

 Well, it’s that time of year again. Time...

brought forth this day: 2012-12-21 23:50:03
to spread good will and cheer to all! Time for visions of Sugar Plums dancing….dancing…. on a pole …with your head between her….oh wait…..what are we talking about?
Anyway…..MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! And Haus… HAPPY HARMONICA! (That’s a Mormon Hanukah, boys and girls).
I’d ask if you’ve been naughty or nice but that’s like asking the British if they brush their teeth.
Most of you are horrible, horrible people and should be getting nothing for Christmas…..but Santa is a forgiving and jolly old fella, so I’m sure you’ll get something crammed in your stocking. And maybe you’ll get a gift too.
If I was Santa,  I think this would be my list for some of you folks – 
Hogie – A new pair of silky dress pants and a handful of cash (that an inside joke, boys and girls).
Waters – A Santa suit and a box of rubbers. He tries to play Santa all year long and slide down face chimneys.
Lorin Cahil -   Meat. Not the kind Haus would offer her behind the sleigh….but guilt free, delicious meat. If I was Santa, I’d slow smoke those fucking reindeer. Bet those bastards are delicious.
Rusty – I’d give him one jersey of every sports team on the planet. Wait…what?...he’s already got that? Then I’d give him the ability to dunk a basketball on a 10ft goal one time….but nobody could see it.
Travis – I’d actually give Travis a meeting with Santa about his Home/Auto insurance policy. I’m sure Travis would ensure Santa had the proper coverage (comprehensive, uninsured, underinsured, liability, etc). By the time Travis was thru with Santa….he wouldn’t be able to afford to drive the sleigh. But it’d be covered.
Rick – A pair of supernova hyper color golf pants. The kind that are so bright and loud you actually go blind and deaf if you look at them. If you’ve golfed with Rick…you know he’s almost there now.
Hadella – I’d give him topsoil straight out of the depths of Hell.  So he can grow a pepper that actually causes someone to spontaneously burst into flames? If the world blows up tomorrow….I’m sure Brian’s peppers have some sort of contributing role.
Eric – Nothing. What the fuck else can you get him? He literally has everything. When Santa can’t make it or get it from China….he goes to Eric. Most of the stuff I’m listing here, Eric already has.
Piton Todd Horton – I actually think Todd would give Santa something. It would be the schematics and blue prints of exactly how to build what he wants for Christmas. Complete material sourcing and optimal efficiency production schedules would be enclosed. They would be far too detailed and Santa would ultimately just shit in his stocking.
Jilly, Rach, and Susan – You girls have been nice with all of your volunteering and what not. I’d give each of you a life size Magic Mike inflatable doll with realistic detachable crouch piece/personal massager.  Ultimately Jill would not be able to keep hers because Hogan would steal it.
Haus – First off….a temper! But Haus is good to his friends….so Santa would give him a clear view into the bedroom window of those girls (and Hogan) with the Magic Mike poster. And by default he’d need a bionic rotator cuff.
Timmy B. – A good firm poop. Timmy has been facing the trots, lately. So I gotta think a nice firm and powerful, one wipe movement would be good.
Geoff (G-Off) – I’d give him a talking donkey. And it would be his only transportation. And they would fight and argue and make love to each other , for all to see.
Drew – I give Drew Haus’ lack of temper and make Kim do Drew’s biggest pet peeve. It may be mean….but I’d like see a straight up husband/wife fist fight at a dead even split.
Kerri – I would make Kerri the author of Animal Karma Sutra – Release Your Inner Doggie Style. She’s an excellent Vet….so I think this makes sense. In fact,  I’ve got most of it written,  I just need someone with credibility to put their name to it.
Jen Grant and Shelby – I’d continue to give you the power to not outwardly show your disgust for all the folks (including those on this email chain) that stare at your boobs. That includes the girls … they’re just jealous. Bitches.
Edis – (Whose as old as Santa) I’d give one dominating season on the shallow end of the pool volleyball game. But as soon as I did, Edis would trade that season for the ability to be tall and play on the deep end and talk shit to all those on the shallow end. Traitor.
And Me – To myself….I’d give all of you. Cause friendships are the gifts that keep on giving. Or I’d probably trade each of you for a piece of hard candy and decent joke.
This week is the last Tailgate. Most of you are out of town….but for those around…Uncle Hogie is making his Shrimp ‘n Grits. We’ll be there with bells on!
Merry Christmas, Everyone.