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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

 This one’s coming out early for a coupleof  reasons.  

brought forth this day: 2012-11-13 23:50:04
I owe everyone an apology. April says my conduct, when on the microphone, was not very adult like. Or at all decent, for that matter. I trust April's view on these matters approx 50.5% of the time. She typically has my best interests at heart. The problem is.... I really cant be held accountable for my conduct. You see…I have a medical condition. The filter that exists between your brain and mouth no longer exists with me. I had one….but it kept getting clogged up with all the crap that I would think and want to say. The shear amount of utter nonsense kept the filter in a constant clogged state. (Your toilet will know what I’m talking about next Thursday and Friday). The clogged filter would cause me to just stutter, sit silent or, occasionally, speak gibberish. So they just removed the filter all together and straight piped the son of a bitch. The end result is (A) I’ve always got something to say but (B) It’s damn near impossible to control.
So…I’m sorry for those impacted by my severe medical condition. I’m hoping Obama-Care will cover any damages it will ultimately cause.

  • IT'S CHILI COOK OFF WEEK!!!! I want to make sure all those who are entering have plenty of time to prep. And I do hope we’ll have a good turn out – for several reasons but most importantly the shear culinary competitiveness. Are you gonna let Waters and his $200 Steak Stew pass as Chili? Of course it’s delicious…he cuts up filet, throws in some tomatoes and a few stale spices and calls it chili. YOU’VE GOT TO BRING AN ACTUAL CHILI, WATERS!!!! Or how about not letting that bitch Hillary, win…again! I’ve said it before…you’ll find no sweeter and nicer person on the planet…until it comes Chili making time. Then she transforms into some kind of Chili Witch – riding around on a giant jalapeño dusting people with red pepper flakes. I’ve cooked with her and I know. I put in a teaspoon of cumin instead of a tablespoon and before I could say, “We can add more”,  she kicked me in the nards and held my head in a hot oven till I properly recited the teaspoons to tablespoons and cups to quarts conversions. I once saw her make Hogan eat a fistful of habaneras and then spackled his ass shut for tasting the chili with a metal spoon vs a wooden one. 
    So, you see….she needs to be put in her place a bit. Please shoot me an email and let me know if you’ll be bringing a chili. I THANK YOU in advance.
    And this weeks Ranter also has a message. As you know – BIG RED loves to host. We’ve hosted Clemson/VA Tech  ACC Championships for fellow TGRC’ers. Travis wants us to host an Auto Insurance Sale Meeting and our very own Fire Marshall Rusty likes to relive those glory days of college with a little reunion.
    Rusty…it’s all yours…
     In the words of Jay-Z, “Please allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Ho-yo, Fire Marshall Rusty.” My absence from all-things-tailgating hasn’t gone unnoticed and I appreciate the crew still cares enough to call a brother out for it - which mean I am loved in a football setting. My low participation can be blamed on the thing most people blame these days, the banks. But without trying to get fired this week and speak about the old jay oh bee, I’ll further enlighten you with what’s in store for this week’s tailgate. We have a few groups of special guests joining us. If you’ve ever been to the Melting Pot and ordered the Wisconsin Trio as an appetizer… it’s pretty much a big bowl of cheese awesomeness; just like the Wisconsin Trio of Jess, Monica, and Claire Polar Bear flying in from the big cheese curd-frozen tundra bowl of awesomeness. Our second set of special guests drank us out of beer last year and I had to pay some random dude $20 to buy his leftover case. Which I then proceeded to carry over in a Bojangs box, which then decided to break and spill all over the parking lot before I made it back…. digressing.. but those drinking buddies are part of my Ohio University Alumni Association and they’ll be hanging out with us again this weekend. If you’ve never heard me speak of the rolling hills of Athens, Ohio and it’s luscious land of coeds and business degrees; it’s a magical place. The street festivals, bars, and brick streets make it feel like my home away from NC home. It can be summed up by Oliver words on my bachelor party, “the liquor is so cheap.” What I like about the school is it builds the right way, we invest into a new student gym (when I was there), then a new student center (for learning), and now we decided to become a winning football team (for football). When I was there, half the student body (heyooo coeds) didn’t know we had a football team. We didn’t tailgate for games. In the past 5 to 10 years growing up in Charlotte, I’ve learned tailgating is a big deal at the collegiate level, and of course, at the pros. We’ll now OU is building the right way with an 8-2 record and actually had BSC hopes early this year when we were undefeated for a long while………what I’m slowly getting to is it’s go time Panthers. The pieces are in place and now it’s time for you to execute just like I did in college. Few last things before I talk about the Panthers. Haus - you’re still effing lucky with that UNC sweet sixteen win last year over the (Ohio) Bobcats!! I’m watching you. And two, the Pub in Athens is OU famous for its Beer Cheese soup. I’m making wisconland-trio-boat-load of it for the tailgate to go along with Jason’s something-annual Chili Cook off. Get your hot sauce, diced tomatoes, and bean-less chili ready (FMR doesn’t do the bean).. because we are going to feed ourselves well this weekend. By the way, the mozz sticks and fried toasted ravioli last week – delicious. I wanted to put in on my cereal Monday morning.

    Now for the Panthers. Eff I don’t know, I’ve missed a few games. I do know Steve Smith owes me some more fantasy points. Get on it Camelot! And what the heck was that Broncos game last week?!? Camelot was throwing the ball like the same way I can put a spiral on the ball – not good. Jay Cutler looked better in the rain vs. the Texans with two picks before he was concussed.

    In summary, Bobcats green and white are in the lot this weekend. The Wisconsin Trio is bringing one baby and one beard. It would be preferable if the Panthers beat Tampa Bay. Because those bastards stole my pig cook. Sponsored by tampabaystolemypigcooker.com

    Hi mom.

    See you in the lot.

    Fire Marshall Rusty

    Note: This message has not been proff read by Lorin. Please excuse any grammatical error.