Folks...it’s a special week. I'm not talking about...
brought forth this day: 2012-11-01 23:50:04
the week when we nudge our youth toward obesity and diabetes thru the fee giving of candy. Or every females’ attempts to dress like a sexy (insert anything here). I'm not even talking about it being the week before we elect a new President or Hurricane Sandy reshaping the Jersey Coastline.
Hurricane Sandy Disclaimer Start ** I have family who lives in the northeast and I sympathize with all those who have lost property, family, time, money, etc. The devastation is horrific. Having said that.....you had to know that exposing the world to the likes of Snooki and Pauly D was gonna come with some consequences. You can't put that many boontards in one area and not expect Mother Nature to eventually take a swing at 'em. I absolutely believe global warming has a hand in our changing weather patterns. And I think once it comes out that spray tanning and hair gel have eaten a bigger hole in the ozone than CO2 emissions, we'll no longer ask the question - "Why Jersey"? Disclaimer End**
The fact that the Resdkins/Panthers are playing isn't even the primary reason this is a special week.. The real treat this week is the Rant itself. The game was the inspiration, so it does play a role but it rides shotgun to the Rant. The game has its place with a lot of story lines....most notably the dueling QB's. But I don't want to steal any Thunder. We’ll be watching the game again at All American Pub for those who want to join.
So without further delay, I give to you...The Queen of the VerbalSting! The Rarely Swearin’ Vegetarian! The Shortstack with a Quick Comeback! Witt and Sass delivered by Tits and Ass!
Ladies and Gentlemen……Lorin Cahill !!!!!!!
First and foremost, I hope everyone’s families and friends were kept safe through the storm.
My flight from BWI to CLT following my grandma’s 90th birthday party this weekend (she requested a Pimps and Hos theme) was cancelled. So I’ve been “working from MD”…which means not showering, checking my email from the couch, and being served Old Fashioneds for breakfast by Poppa Steve. (How am I single??)
I’m happy to report that in MD Sandy turned out to be more of a lipstick lesbian than a femullet-sporting butch on the SheStorm Scale…but I know that she was a lot crankier to more Northern areas, so I truly hope all is well in the Extended TGRC Family.
Now that the niceties are out of the way, let’s get down to business.
While I know that I am not our resident Redskins fan (nor do I want to be despite growing up as one), after coming off of a week of being trapped in Skins territory, I do feel particularly qualified to write this edition of our weekly rant.
My third greatest take-away from my time in the Greater Skins Area (behind “Do not drink 6 fingers of Makers before joining a conference call on which you’re supposed to be capturing the notes,” and “Pajamas are apparently standard attire for the grocery store in inclement weather”) is this: the Washington Redskins and the Carolina Panthers have a lot in common – so much so, in fact, that I’ve sorted through the long list of similarities and whittled it down to the top 10. Without further ado…
The Top Things the Panthers and Redskins Have in Common:
High Hopes and Crushed Dreams – This is not just the tagline (trade mark pending) for Waters’ bedroom. This is the reality season after season for both Panthers and Skins fans. It’s a pathetic but comfortable cycle: despite an embarrassingly awful record for the previous season, we drink away our bad memories and hang our hopes on the new fill-in-the-blank (coach, super human QB, O-line, etc.)…only to have those hopes fade back to disappointment by Week 2, anger by Week 3, and apathy by Week 4. I was reminded of the saying I grew up hearing – the REAL Skins chant (not ‘Hail To The Redskins’ as they would have you believe) – while watching them take a beating by Pittsburgh with my extended family this weekend: “There’s always next year.” We feel you, Skins…we feel you.
Advantage: Skins…they’ve been pathetic a lot longer than we have.
Superman – Speaking of hanging hopes on stud QBs, an observation: Cam is a self-proclaimed Superman. But have you seen RG3 in his street clothes? He wears suits, pencil ties, and most suspiciously – black framed glasses…i.e. Clark Kent’s uniform. I’m wondering if they spent a little less time on their super hero persona and a little more time studying defensive schemes, they’d be looking at better than 1-6 and 3-5 records going into week 9.
Advantage: Panthers…our Superman is taller than theirs.
Struggling Defenses – We can’t blame it all on our QBs. Our defenses need work more desperately than Occupy Wall Street. (Yes, it’s an outdated pop culture reference and yes, I hated on them in my rant last year and yes, I will continue to do so until they stop camping out in public parks – that I pay for – with their cargo pants and hacky sacks.) Back to defenses: The Redskins D is hurt…literally. They’re down 7 men due to injury (and one suspension). But at least they have an excuse. The Panthers D is – as April would say in describing Jason – not getting the job done with the same old tired moves. Where were the adjustments in the Bears game Sunday…especially in the last series?? Same coverage…The. Entire. Time.
Advantage: Skins…they’re closer to regaining players than we are to getting a new Defensive Coordinator.
Close Calls – With the exception of the Giants vs Providence HS Thursday Night Debacle, the Panthers have lost every game within a TD. And with the exception of the Skins vs the STEALers game (sorry for the cheesy pun, but a) those prison uniforms worn by Pittsburgh were heinous and b) I’ve been hanging out with my pops for way too long so the dad jokes are rubbing off), Washington has also lost every game within a TD. What’s worse for the Panthers is that their last two losses came in the final two minutes of the game. Just like the guy’s flip cup team, they don’t finish strong. (Ok Guys, this last point deserves discussing. The Girls Team has had a lot of players on the PR (Pregnancy Reserve), but we’ve made the necessary adjustments to win. You guys need a shake-up. Maybe fire your GM. We’re even willing to share some breast milk with you if you think it will help. Honestly, it can’t hurt. Bring your A game next week, boys; I’m getting bored.)
Advantage: Panthers…we win at losing.
The Pig – Their long-standing tradition involves chain-smoking men dressing up as hogs in frocks and wigs. Ours involves smoking pork for hours then dressing it in vinegar-based BBQ sauce. Advantage: Panthers…no contest.
Waters – Speaking of pigs, our beloved (and thus berated) Matt Waters is both a Skins fan and a Panthers fan. If you’re wondering which team comes first (there’s a joke in there somewhere about Waters always coming first), it’s the Skins. He even left a recent tailgate to go to Picasso’s to watch his first team…or that’s just the excuse he gave us to go take a massive dump. Gross, Waters…gross.
Advantage: Skins…they can have him.
Hatred for Cowboys – As Matt can tell you, Redskins fans hate, and I mean HATE the Cowboys. And if you’re a Panthers fan that didn’t before, you should after our last home game. Growing up a Skins fan, I already had a healthy distaste for Dallas but after this past tailgate, my distaste turned to flat out disgust. Dear Cowboy Fans – 1991 called and wants it’s Starter jackets and loud rap music back (oh wait, that was Travis’ loud rap music).
Advantage: Skins…their hatred runs far deeper than ours.
Hatred for Ravens – Skins vs Ravens is your classic territorial and generational feud. Ravens may not be an obvious rival for the Panthers, but take it from me – I grew up with these Baltimorons (that’s an actual term; I did not make it up). The typical Ravens fan can be seen wearing no less than three items of purple camo, no sleeves (bonus points if they cut them off themselves), and smoking two cigarettes while drinking a Natty Bo. In short, there is no redeeming quality in the Ravens fan. Skins hate them…you should too.
Advantage: Skins…they’re just really good at hating.
Attendance Issues – Granted, their giant bowl of mustard and ketchup is in the middle of Lanham, MD (which is somehow simultaneously the ghetto and in the middle of nowhere). And while ours is very accessible, our security has been tighter than one of Haus’ t-shirts, making it near impossible to get butts in the seats by kickoff. Excuses aside, 90% of success is showing up…so if we don’t as fans, we can’t put all the blame on our teams when we lose. (And while we’re on the subject, it has to be said that attendance at 3rd & Poplar on Sundays has been disappointing…especially from some of the veterans. Cute children at home are not an excuse. Cute children in your bellies are not an excuse. Weddings, showers, fishing/golf trips, hangovers…none of these are valid excuses. We have four more home games/tailgates left…let’s make them count. Don’t make Big Red angry.)
Advantage: Panthers…Redskins stadium is simply too big…look at all the yellow in the stands next televised game.
Need for a Win – Bottom line: both teams are hungry for a win like I was hungry for meat at the Seattle tailgate following a moonshine-laced bender. So who’s gonna come away with the proverbial Bojangles’ drumstick?