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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

If Football were my wife…. I’d be arrested...

brought forth this day: 2012-09-13 23:50:02
for spousal abuse.
I mean, I love her so much but then she goes and does something so stupid, like lose to the Bucs…I…I just got to punch her in the face.  I mean, I don’t want to….but why did she do that?
By Tuesday I’ve apologized and she’s forgiven me and we are back on speaking terms. By Thursday we're ready to go out for another fun filled/highly combustible weekend full of passion and alcohol.
Now, I’m not making fun of domestic violence. That’s a horrible thing and, to be honest, Football would open hand slap me to the ground and make me make it a sandwich if I so much as raised my voice to her.  And for the record…we are talking about Football – not April. April has never open hand slapped me to the ground AND made me make her a sandwich. She says both of those together would be too demeaning for me and she respects herself too much to be with someone so weak.
So let’s expunge our criminal record of last Sunday’s unfortunate incident and march on.
And speaking of marching…we’ll have the Saints Marching into town this Sunday.
The Saints got beat last week by the Redskins. If you didn’t hear about it, just ask Waters. You can find him getting “RGIII Makes My Penis Tingle” stenciled on his ass at Bad Mistake Tattoo and Other Things You’ll Regret.  The Skins looked good and the Saints looked beatable. And that second part is good for us. Maybe coaching does matter and the Saints need Sean Peyton to be successful. Let’s hope so.  But we’ve secured a little voodoo magic at the Tailgate as an insurance policy.
There really is only one true Saints fan in our group….and that’s Geoff  (pronounced Gee-off. Like a donkey hee-hawing) Bent. Geoff sent me a rant over a week ago, prior to the first game (see below) and prior to the Saints bounty ruling being overturned. I almost asked him to write another one after the Skins beat the Saints so I could compare the two and use them for my defense in my Football spousal abuse case as a clear indicator that Football can cause wild mood swings. It would be a classic example.  Furthermore, if he wasn’t drunk with football love, do you think Waters would get another tattoo of dude that makes his penis tingle?
So this week we have our home opener. It needs to be electric. It needs to be explosive. It needs to be victorious. Our offense will get better. We will be as we always are - SPECIAL.
Our And as I mentioned before…we will be roaming around this year to find our next permanent spot. This week we’re setting up at 208 S. Poplar. It’s just across from where we were last year. This is the only spot I’m choosing. From here on out…someone will be tapped every week to figure out the where we’ll go next. It’s on you, people!
Big Red rolls early. We’ll see you there.
Gee-off...the rant is yours.....

 Mr. Goodell, I see your scarlet letter and raise you one pair of clown shoes. How’s that work for you? 
The news of bounty gate is well publicized and many have doubt and disdain.   I'm happy to see many of you doubling down on the stupid.  I'd point out the multitude of idiocy on display via the “failed season” narrative, but that would take too long. Instead, we’ll just use ESPN/CNNSI/ whatever source you prefer as the embodiment of the fraudulent, condescending, toothless hackery that's ever so prevalent. 
Let's all remember that most of the Nostradamus soothsayers believe that Mickey Loomis / Greg Williams / Sean Peyton“destroyed [the Saints'] hopes for a successful season.” 
I don't know what possibly impregnated the brains of such Mayan calendar believers’ with that rotten seed of tragic logic, but it's illustrative of a thought unconcerned with paying attention to facts and instead too happy to parrot spoon-fed tales of unfounded legitimacy. 
I guess the Saints fucked it all up by:
·         Signing Brees to the biggest contract in NFL history, and saving cap space in the process.
·         Or replacing one all-pro guard (Nicks) with another one (Grubbs) at a cheaper price.
·         Or signing away a division rival's best defender (Lofton), bolstering the weakest unit on the team.
·         Or landing one of the top run-stuffing DTs in the NFL (Bunkley). 
·         Or uncovering promising talent at bargain prices (Hicks, Cadet), a move that's become so routine it's barely noticeable anymore. Am I right, Pierre Thomas, Lance Moore, and Jimmy Graham? What do you think, Jahri Evans? What about you, Chris Ivory? 
·         I guess none of that matters - It's not actually about rosters or talent or continuity or leadership or having the most wins in the league for the past three seasons. 
 Nope, the Saints are screwed. 
So Panther Fans and your buddies can take whatever angles you choose, no matter how silly. Just remember there's a delicate balance between your quest for prognostication and credibility. Then again, this city happily hosted the DNC. Credibility doesn't appear to be in the mission statement …. So hack away, I guess. 
The “us against the world”  thing is a bit passé by now, but hey, it's a reality. No better time than now to embrace it. Storylines abound. There is a legitimate chance for an epic ending to the season; it's the proverbial silver lining amidst the dark offseason clouds. I can't wait for the story to be told. 
Lucky are we who call ourselves Saints’ fans. 
Being a Who Dat means always having hope and always looking forward to game day, no matter the other troubles in your life. Being a Who Dat means Bloody Marys and beers for Sunday breakfast. Being a Who Dat means selling out the Dome year after year after year, even if the team sucks. 
Being a Who Dat means lining up en masse at the airport in the middle of the night to cheer the team's return from a road game. Being a Who Dat means 800,000 people come to the party when your team wins it all. Being a Who Dat means spitting in the face of adversity. Being a Who Dat means an onside kick at half time.
Try as you might, Roger Goodell, you can't take any of that from us. 
If there's any justice to be had, a storybook-worthy comeuppance awaits your sorry ass.  
As will another legendary party in February 2013. 
Game on, bitches. 
Okay ... enough of the petty grudges against my team for the time being. The season is here and the offseason drama and controversies take a backseat to the main event. All that matters now is what happens on the field.