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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

 Good evening: I spent my morning ride to work...

brought forth this day: 2012-09-05 23:50:02
thinking about how to address everyone as we approach the upcoming season.

Should I pretend Football Season is an empty chair and ask it questions and respond to its fake answers? 
I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m too embarrassed for Clint Eastwood to make fun of him. I mean this is Dirty Fucking Harry. The man who starred in Pale Rider, Hang ‘em High and Bridges of Madison County (what? go F yourself, it was very touching) has been reduced to baboonery in front of the world. The tougher than leather Original badass that drops a no wipe Chuck Norris every morning after his coffee (brewed over an open camp fire in a percolating tin pot) and cigarette (non filtered and hand rolled which is part tobacco/part briar bush) is now a punch line. You all deserve better than that.

Should I play to the fuel and fire and passion that surrounds the season, our renewed hope in the Panthers, the Tailgate, Flip Cup competition and everything that makes what we do great?
Well, that feels right….but how do you ignite a fire that’s already burning? I mean, 6wks ago Jill was reading old rants and looking on line for personal urination options (she found some, by the way, male and female. Give her a shout if you don’t mind walking around with a gallon of piss strapped to your body). Haus has already sent me a schematic for a beer bong he wants to build that Stephen Hawking couldn’t figure out. And YesTodd, I do beleive you could understand it and build it so please don't send me txt saying as much.
Shit..three months ago Travis sent me an official application to request a flyover from the National Guard. So you see…I don’t think we need any gas on the fire.

I could talk about the changes this year and make sure everyone is OK with the uncertainty of location. But…like a band of drunken tailgating dogs… the state of our pack is strong and we will assert our dominance wherever we choose to roam for the week. We will mount and dog hump every parking lot we choose to roll into this year. When we find the perfect “bitch”, with enough teats to keep all our pups fed, we’ll “lock up” on her and they can throw all the cold water in the world on us…but we ain’t leaving – (unless, of course,  they build another park in our honor).

So my brethren…I’ll simply say – It’s Time! Get ready to give Monday's the middle finger for the foreseeable future.
Let’s do the housekeeping and get ready for the season!

  • Location - We will be nomads this year. Every week someone different will chose the spot. We’ll go there and “run thangs”. If/When we find the perfect fit….we’ll make it our home. You’ll have to read the rants to know where we’ll be.

  • Big Red Fund – WE DO NOT SELL BEER OR FOOD! However, donations to keep things “running” are $125 annually.  All non-douchy friends of our group are welcome under the same guidelines as last year. However, we have to have a better process. I’m working on some things.

  • Rants – I personally enjoyed peering into the mind of you all last year. Will continue that this year with some tweaks.

  • Flip Cup – HAHAHAHAHA! Should we put our name on the trophy now or do you girls want another ass kicking? Oh…you do. Fine.

  • Away Game Watches – Honestly still looking to find that perfect place. For this Sunday’s first game we’re gonna give Hickory Tavern at the Met another try. Not the back room….but the open floor. We’ll hold as many tables as possible.

And Lastly – Tampa Bay. The best part of you is your strip joints. So basically you’re a crusty stained G-String full of crumbled bills and broken dreams –(Many of which, I may have personally funded over the years). And based on the fact that your facing a blackout for your home opener (this would be 14 out of the last 16 games) you must see your team as  “a ‘lil to old to be in ‘da club” stripper ... you don’t want to see the carnage the takes place so you just keep your head down, don't make eye contact and wait for the next two song set.
It’s Back to Football. See you Sunday.