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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

This is a bit late…and for that, I...

brought forth this day: 2012-01-13 23:50:03
apologize. It’s April’s fault….and that’s the truth, but we’ll get to that.

So…we close out another season. Big Red has turned in her playbook, did her physical/checkout , took down dates for OTA’s and is now on a beach somewhere sipping Havoline Hurricanes, Jiffy Lube Juleps and doing Quaker Stake Car Bombs.  When there is no post season for the old girl…she prefers to get away from it for a while. Refocus and retool for next year.

And while the season ended with only six wins…there is legitimate hope and optimism in Panther nation! The rookie season performance by Cam Newton has Panthers fans more excited than Haus being served fresh chocolate chip cookies by a nude Clay Aiken. Cam’s had one of the best rookie seasons in NFL history and reignited a salty Steve Smith, rekindled the RB duo of Double Trouble and helped deliver a top five league offense. People now watch this offense like Todd “Harry Cary” Horton watches Being Chaz Bono – with anticipation, admiration and a semi erection.

For everything the Offense WAS…the Defense WAS NOT. That side of the ball needs more help than Hogan and I trying to dunk a basketball. I’ll give ‘em credit….they tried. But much like the excuse Edis uses for his lack of production in his 60 & older, Grim Reaper Classic  basketball tournaments, they’re only missing two simple ingredients – Skill and Talent. 
We’re gonna need a complete retooling in that area…but with a little luck, a good draft and the Offense continuing to progress – professional football in the Queen City is a stock you’ll want to BUY!

With all that being said about the product in the stadium…let’s talk about OUR business. The business of Tailgating! I want to first THANK everyone who helped construct the weekly rants. We had Oscar nominated Ditka video rants, we had abstract – free thinking Being John “Timmy B” Malkovich  rants, we had Call Out rants, we had rants that were delicately crafted and engineered and we had rants that were certainly typed on their phones while driving with one knee and drinking coffee. But we also discovered a Cam Newton like rant performance in Lorin Cahill. She delivered a beautifully caustic “word flower”. Ornate and articulate yet durable and offensive. It drew you in with its beauty but as you bent over to sniff it, if squirted shit in your eye. Lorin – you may be a girl and sit down to pee….but I’m certain your pen is a penis and you stood upright when your rant  “golden showered” us all. The TGRC thanks you. Your $150 is on the night stand.

Each Tailgate, as always, had its own personality. We kicked off with a surprise Photo Booth, and from there mixed in the increasingly popular Dunk Contest,  Skee Ball, Ice Luge , Christmas Extravaganza, Chili Cookoff and the list goes on. We cooked everything from whole hogs to Veggie burgers. We watched Waters swallow the equivalent of a fucking food grenade when he ate three of Hadella’s “Hell-Della Hot Wings”. It was like watching that old video of the fat guy getting shot in the gut with the cannonball – you couldn’t see the internal damage…but you know it did irreparable harm.  I’ll give him props, he stood tall (at least until he was doubled over shitting pure napalm fire) and beat the challenge. For that he won a handsome amount of cash – most of which was used to by Tucks medicated pads and ass putty.

The Flip Cup trophy is back where it rightfully belongs with an absolute ass kicking by the guys. Now, the girls will claim the male dominance is due to their high number on “injury reserve”. While I don’t necessarily agree, I will concede that they hold the power to dominate us far beyond the flip cup table. Allow me to explain.

As many of you know, April was pregnant  (thanks to those that weren’t sure if she was prego or just fat and chose to not ask) and on 12/14 gave birth to our beautiful daughter Claire Morgan Oliver. Now, I could go on talking about Claire until ya’ll are sick but I’ll spare you the gloating Dad vernacular and simply share the details of her arrival and why I know we, males, are out-gunned.

I’ve never doubted the power of the vagina. It’s mysterious and mythical. It’s like an unsolvable math equation that unlocks great treasures – a mute alien that knows the answers to life’s questions – an irresistible risk/reward proposition. It has a gravitational pull far greater than that of the sun… except the vagina won’t burn your eyes out if you stare directly into it….although if you see what I saw…you may wish it did.

I’ve spent much of my life in a constant struggle with the vagina. Throughout this extended confrontation, we’ve each had our turn at “coming out on top”…so to speak. But I learned on 12/14 that the vagina has merely been toying with me. Its power is much greater than I ever gave it credit for. It is, by far, the most durable machine on the face of the planet! Some of you have heard me say since the fateful day on 12/14 – If anyone ever calls you a Pussy, they can pay you no greater compliment. The Vagina is durable beyond belief. It epitomizes the “bend don’t break” philosophy. We should figure out how to make bomb shelters out of ‘em. The Navy Seals are thought to be the most feared fighting force on the planet and strike fear into any that opposes them. No disrespect to our brothers in arms, but  I’d take my chances everyday of the week against the Navy Seals with nothing but a spork and rubberband vs. a group called the Fighting Vaginas – armies would lay down in droves rather than face what they’re capable of.

Folks…it’s like a beautifully serene and calm sea that suddenly becomes angry with fable like crashing waves and blowing winds. It’s like one of those Halloween emails that show cute little kittens playing with yarn and then a severed demon head pops up and scares the shit out of you!  That’s the vagina!

It’s a full fucking nuclear reaction in someone’s crotch! And only a few weeks after this Fukushima type meltdown, things are back to normal! The reactor is, once again, ready to receive the ole Plutonium rod. AMAZING!

So you see folks….it’s because of this experience….it’s because I’ve seen its buildings fall and mountains topple,  yet miraculously, it  rises from the ashes….that I know, should the ladies choose to harness their “V” power, we have no chance on the flip cup table.

So with that said…I bid you all a Good Off Season. Next year dawns a new day for the TGRC. We'll be in a new spot (TBD), the rightful aire to the TGRC empire will make her glourious apearance and we will have a team capable of achieving the greatness we already exhibit.

The final piece of this season culminates with the TGRC Awards Ceremony which will take place at the Annual Club Matandra SuperBowl Party. We’ll see you there.