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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

I think Cam found the Pig Cooker Tampa Bay...

brought forth this day: 2011-12-08 23:50:02
stole from us....and since we have a new one...he crammed the old one up their ass! Nice work Panthers! I'd love to see some solid progression and momentum headed into the off season. There are a few more legitimate wins on the schedule, and they get those and then work thru the draft and free agency......and you're looking at a playoff team with a dynamic offense, folks.

But enough about Football....let's talk Tailgating! The ACC Championship tailgate was Spectacular! Thanks to Timmy B. for organizing and running most of the show. Thanks to Lorin for rep'ing her Hokies! That was a full 12 hours of parking lot enjoyment. College is so much fun. Hell, I think I'm gonna start Tailgating Phoenix OnLine University activities.

So this brings us to this week. It's time, once again, for that honored TGRC tradition.... Ladies and Gentlemen it's the weekend of the world culinary extravaganza known as the TGRC Chili Cookoff!!!! This event has launched the careers of chefs all over the world. In fact three of the Food Networks Iron Chefs were past winners of the Chili Cookoff. People travel singles of miles to compete in or be a part of this Chili Cookoff. This is the Heisman, The Nobel Prize, Congressional Medal of Honor and the panties of the hottest girl in school all rolled into one. I've seen television news anchors become so consumed with this Chili Cookoff that they punch their out co-workers and, subsequently,  get fired (that's on you Brian Blakey - tipping my 40oz for ya; right now).

The rules are simple - You can make any type of chili you want, but it has to be chili! Not a fillet mignon stew like a certain Matthew "Chilly" Waters made. Bring enough for folks to enjoy and make sure you concoct that perfect bowl for the judges. The judges will taste all chili's and render their decision. The winner get's an oversized check from the TGRC for $1,000,000. That's right $1Million dollars! The check may or maynot be forward dated by a century or two...but those are details.

Now for the judges. We're talking about some of the most refined palates on the planet. Senses honed by the fine spirits of Wild Irish Rose and gas station hotdogs. Olde English 800 and  Funnyuns. That's right....we employ Charlotte's down trodden to serve as our judges....so know your audience, contestants. Should your chili have a $5 dollar bill in it....you'll probably win. In all seriousness.....it's good to give those who need it, something hot to eat. Now the last thing they probably need is a big bowl of gut bomb chili....but a hot meal is a hot meal. So dice up those tomatoes, brown that beef, slice those jalapenos and taste and add spices , and drink and add spices and drink and add spices and drink and drink and add spices and then put it in a pot and bring it down to the Tailgate. Word is Jill Fulghum has the perfect way to cool off that scorched mouth .....with an ICE LUGE!!!!

So who better to do this weeks Rant than the first ever winner of the Chili Cookoff. I've had the privilege of sharing a stove top and Chili Pot with this person when we won (that's right WON) the Blowing Rock Winterfest Chili Cookoff. They gave us $10k each and asked us to never enter again b/c competition would be too scared to compete - (some of that last statement my be revisionist history). This ranter goes by many names...Lady of the Ladle.Queen of the Bean. Crown of Top Round. Sure Shot with a Crock Pot. Chili Terror wearing Mascara. She's foul mouthed, full of piss and vinegar, mean to old people and puppies. She once tried to mail bomb the Lifetime network. I've seen her open hand slap her husband in front of his co-workers and then make him apologize to them for making her do it. I saw, with my own eyes, her eat 50 hard boiled eggs on a dare (like in Cool Hand Luke) and then lock the doors and basically Auschwitz everybody in the room. She's 5'3" of hell fire and fury. If you're easily offended...don't read any further. This ain't meant for the thin skinned. Those on the competition cooking circuit know her as CHILIARY FULGHUM!!!!!!!!

 Jason- Thanks for letting me write this week’s rant in honor of winning the first annual chili cookoff.  I have a little more experience in the kitchen than I do with football, but I’ll give it a shot.  Speaking of the chili contest, I still have that awesome, wooden 2” by 4” check for $1,000,000 made out to Chiliary Fulghum.  Funny… I’ve taken it to several banks to cash and they’ve all turned me down.  I’ll try one more, though, Wells Fargo… I know a guy over there.
First off, I have to let everyone know how hard it was to miss the first few tailgates of the year.  Trying to keep a pregnancy under wraps at the Tailgate Rescue Crew is simply not possible when you’ve proved yourself a pretty awesome flip-cupper in preseason.  I knew some of the regular ladies were out this year, and I’d be called in… Blue Magic and all.  Now that those first twelve weeks have come and gone, I’m back… and just in time to see the Panthers get their 3game winning streak!
I obviously love my Panthers, but there aren’t too many teams I just downright hate…. Well, for some reason, Atlanta makes the list.  I don’t think it’s just the whole Michael Vick dog fighting thing, or being a conference rival… I think it comes down to calling themselves the Dirty Birds.  Uhkk! 
If you think about it, birds are pretty dirty to begin with.  They carry infectious diseases, they poop just about anywhere, and they feed their young by chewing up food and spitting it back in their mouths.  So what makes a dirty bird adirty bird?  …I guess coming from Atlanta.  Carolina will just have to play dirty back, ‘cause we’re winnin’ this one.  Send the Falcons back to Peachtree Street.
I don’t know about y’all, but I’m ready for some chili!!  Yeah, I am pregnant and hungry for just about anything, but we’ve got some pretty good cooks in the TGRC.  A good chili’s like a good football team… not too sweet, everything works well together, and it’s got a good kick!  BRING IT on Sunday… with a side of cheese and sour cream of course.