Well, this weekend sets up quite nicely! To...
brought forth this day: 2011-12-01 23:50:08
kick things off, the parents are outta town in Tampa Bay (going down there to kick some ass about a pig cooker) and left little Johnny with the keys to the complete BOA house and grounds. So, as many of us have done, little Johnny called up 73,000 of his closest friends for a little get together - And we all know what comes next. Dad's liquor cabinet will be raided, people will have sex in your parents bedroom, somebody will feed your mom's hormone replacement therapy pills to the dog, some randoms will show up and leave an "upper decker" in the hall bathroom AND throw up in the ice maker, people will have sex in your sisters bedroom, someone will find and distribute all your dad's porn, someone will have sex on grandma BoBo's blanket she knitted for you, people will piss on the flowers, vomit in the mailbox and be all around barbarians with little to no respect for law or property. And what do you get in return? Taken out of the family Will AND legendary fucking status amoungst party-goers!!! It's worth it - trust me. Your dad was gonna waste all the inheritance on a gold coin pryamid scheme anyway.That's right people, it's VT - Clemson for the ACC Championship on Sat and then Panthers at Tampa Bat on Sunday. And with that kind of billing, I had to find the right person to bring in the weekend. Someone with a rooting interest in both events that could carry the load of such a weekend. This person would have to be sharp, organized, able to run at a fast pace and stay true to course. Well....I've found that person. It's a SHE.
I always knew this girl could handle her shit. I knew she could deliver a Rant. But after reading it today, I wanted to get breast implants and start menstrating! She's a live wire. She's not bringing a knife to a gun fight (that's mostly b/c she's not Mexican, I don't think) she's coming in with both barrels blazing. For those of you that have never been beat up by a girl - and not the kind that costs $350 at the Tokoyo Spa and barely leaves you humiliated - you're about to be....
Get ready for the lady that has battled rapped with Eminem, was questioned by the police for shooting Tu-Pac, Martha Stewart was her bitch in prison...she's a Hokie...LORIN CAHILL!!!!!!!!!!
I would give the obligatory “I was honored when Jason asked me to write this week’s rant,” but since I essentially dared him to give me the opportunity to provide an entry that wasn’t littered with spelling and grammatical errors (seriously guys…go back and read some of your submissions…I guess spell check can’t correct stupid), I will just be grateful that both Tim and Todd have already felt the proverbial tap on the shoulder, setting up the perfect scenario for me. Though after watching their Clemson Tigers crap their pants in November like Waters after the ghost pepper challenge, I don’t know that they’d be the best candidates for inspiring The Tailgate Rescue Crew to greatness as we approach the massive weekend that lies ahead.
Which leads me to my first (and really only) point...THIS WEEKEND!
For those of you who a) have been living under a rock, b) have been Occupying Tryon Street (BTW, I’m happy to let you shine my very expensive bank-job shoes if you’re that strapped for cash), or c) are so far up the SEC’s cornhole that you refuse to believe there are any other conferences in the NCAA (looking at you, Haus), allow me to fill you in.
This Saturday, nearly 75,000 of college football’s greatest fans will pour into our very own Panthers’ Stadium to watch the 9-3 Clemson Tigers take on the 11-1 Virginia Tech Hokies for the Dr. Pepper ACC Championship. And thousands more will join them in filling the streets of Uptown to pretend that they care about ACC football but who are mostly just happy to have another excuse to day-drink their faces off. (Fun fact: Dr. Pepper was chosen as the title sponsor because it goes with any type of liquor. Seriously, I challenge you to find one that does not taste downright delicious with the combination of 67 flavors…or however many they’re touting these days.) What’s more, the tension (and stench of booze) in the air will be extra thick as the Hokies seek revenge for the one pesky L on their record – handed to them on their home turf by a fired up Clemson squad earlier in the season. And while our Carolina Panthers’ inaugural season took place in Clemson’s Memorial Stadium in 1995, make no mistake – the Tigers will not have the home field advantage. Blacksburg, VA – Home of the Hokies – is only 2 hours and 15 minutes away (going a reasonable 85 mph), and Hokie Nation travels in herds larger and more enthusiastic than the audience for an episode of Oprah’s Favorite Things. Furthermore and on a personal note, this weekend is an early Christmas present – selected, wrapped, and delivered with a big, tacky red bow especially for me by the pigskin gods.
In case you hadn’t noticed (and how could you not?...I’m obnoxious about it), Hokie football is to me as pork is to Big Red…it’s my fuel, my currency, and my inspiration. Some have suggested that if I were as concerned about my love life as I have been about Hokie football for the past 13 years, I would be happily married to the man of my dreams by now. And I would suggest that they need to shut their stupid, married pie holes and stop trying to live vicariously through me because they wed their college sweetheart who has turned out after all these years to be the same d-bag frat boy they met at 21. But that’s neither here nor there. Point is, I heart all months ending in –ber because I get to watch my boys take the field on a weekly basis with some of my best and craziest friends. And this week, I’ll be joined by my almost-as-good and nearly-as-crazy Clemson comrades as well as my booze hound of a dad in my home city surrounded by some of the best damn tailgaters in the country – no, the world – at 3rd & Poplar. (Jason – I hope that gratuitous display of brown-nosing makes up for missing last year’s Big Red ACC Championship Tailgate.)
In preparation for what will surely be an epic day, I would like to offer some veteran tips/guidelines (almost all of which I have learned the hard way):
Pace yourself. Don’t come out guns blazing with a bourbon and water at 8:00 AM. This isn’t the end of one of Waters’ dates…your goal is not to pump fast and hard and finish early. You want to savor the experience. Start slowly with a beer or better yet, a bloody. Add an extra olive and/or pickled vegetable and call it breakfast…but take your time getting nice and buzzed.
This tip is specifically for Eric: re-read #1…three more times.
This tip is specifically for Gamecocks – and the 500K other people who either suddenly have some sort of vague tie to USC now that they’re having a decent season (“my aunt’s dermatologist’s neighbor went there”) or who think wearing a ball cap that says “COCKS” on it is hilarious and not ironic at all (see d-bag frat boy husbands mentioned previously): THIS IS NOT YOUR DAY. We get it. You beat Clemson last week. For just one day, let Clemson have their fun…you can go back to being irrelevant on Sunday.
Don’t be a pig. Did you see Uptown after the game last year?? It was disgusting…and embarrassing. I spend most of the year telling my friends and family that still live in lesser parts of the country (namely our God-forsaken nation’s capital) that they are idiots for still choosing to live in their respective cities instead of the beautiful and awesome Queen’s City. Don’t make me look like a jerk on Saturday by breaking glass and throwing trash everywhere. For crying out loud, this is not Morgantown, WV.
Dress for warmth and agility. I admit that I like to look my best and that I would wear short shorts to every game if possible (I look good in them, admit it) but after last year’s ice/sleet/snow/hail/shit storm, I learned that the only things you need to worry about are being warm enough that you can feel the drink in your hand and agile enough that you can chest bump fellow fans when your team goes on a scoring streak in the 4th quarter.
Eat. This helps especially if you ignored tip #1. I’m sure there will be lots of pork and/or other hormone-injected meat products at Big Red with which you can shove your face and fill your belly in hopes of soaking up some of the booze. There will also be a supply of veggie burgers plentiful enough to feed a small nation courtesy of Mr. Oliver, aka The Man Who Puts His Sausage Where It Doesn’t Belong.
And lastly, take pictures. Also helpful if you ignore tip #1 and/or #6 and consequently do not remember anything after 11:30 AM. (This has never happened to me.) Also, this ensures you can post them all to Facebook…how else is everyone supposed to know how awesome your life is and that you’re better than them??
And as if the excitement of Saturday were not enough (and assuming you survive the festivities), the Panthers take on the Tampa Bay Butt Pirates on Sunday! I can’t decide if almost-losing to the winless Colts is more or less satisfying than almost-winning against any other team. In any case, I hope we can ride the momentum of the W to claim our 4th victory.
I’m sure Jason will provide details about the venue for game watching on Sunday but on Saturday, see you at 3rd & Poplar for some good ol’ fashioned debauchery…and Go Hokies!
