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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

It's Thanksgiving week! One of the best holidays...

brought forth this day: 2011-11-24 12:52:04
on the American calendar. We're encouraged to give Thanks for all the abundance in our lives. I, for one, am Thankful more some many things....the TGRC is certainly one of those.  I'm Thankful, in advance, for the many Superbowls the Panthers will win. They've been succesful in losing games everyway possible so I gotta believe they've identified all the things NOT to do - the WINS have to be right around the corner. I'm Thankful for pawning off the Ranting this year - it's been awesome to hear from our fellow breathen. There is certainly alot for all of us to be Thankful for....and as Americans, we will do it how we know best....with copious amounts of food and alcohol.

So before you head off to visit with family for the holiday or head to the bar for the Thanksgiving Eve parties, take a few moments to gobble up the Official Tur-Duken Thanksgiving Rant. This is a bigger tradition than the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade or Uncle Tommy falling asleep after dinner with a toothpick in his mouth and nearly chocking himself to death as he snores it down his fat gullet. Yes, friends....like letting out a post dinner fart.... this rant is warm and relieving.

As for the ranter? I've been looking forward to having him deliver his musings for a while. He's an author and artist. A winemaker. A musician. A bicycle repair man. A linguist. A choreographer. A mannequin mold. A talking mime. A long order cook. A hot air balloon designer. A bathroom attendant and weekend Kama Sutra instructor. And in keeping with all the chaos and pagentry of a big family Thanksgiving....this Ranter poured it out for us all to hear.

Folks....his pen is like the Mayflower delivering Pilgrim words to our minds - the incomparable...Timmy "B" Barrett.......

 Thanks Jason, I’m currently hopped up on 8 cups of coffee and to give this rant justice I’m going to open my head up and let you all in.  Here goes….once I start it, it’s going to be hard to stop…welcome to my head.
Man the Panthers suck, what happened to them.  Everybody’s bitching about Cam with his towel on his head, I’d put a towel on my head if I sucked that bad too, I surely wouldn’t try to go through the airport with said towel, I wouldn’t want to get frisked.  Speaking of frisked to cats in the frisky commercials are freaking rad dude.  If cats were more like that I would want one, I’m not a cat fan (no offense Ashley), I’m more of a dog guy.  I really like puppies, sweater puppies too.  You know who had (or maybe still has) nice sweater puppies….Courtney Thorn Smith, man back in the day I would wonk myself to those perky pups.  Speaking of wonking themselves, the Panthers sure did an excess of self wonking on Saturday, learn to finish men!  If Courtney Cox and Courtney Thorn Smith had a “who’s hotter contest”, I’m not sure who would win (in the 80’s of course).  C. Cox had that moment in the Dancing in the Dark video…that moved some teenage twig and berries, “You got the moves baby, I  got the motion
If we got together we'd be causing a commotion” (Madonna- Causing a Commotion).  I bet Bruce’s buddies gave him hell after that video; he did the Carlton before it was the Carlton.  The contest would end because Courtney Love would come in and beat them up much to my chagrin.   Puppies are cute but they smell weird, like Todd after a bunch of hotdogs and beer, he dealt it and I smelt it.  Hopefully after Courtney Love beat up the other two Courtneys, Edgar Winter would come in the room and smash his Keytar on her head and then bust into the Frankenstein riff (you tube it, you’ll thank me later).  There is no cooler albino than ole E-Dubs.  Cam probably puts the towel on his head because he has Shrek ears, if I had Shrek ears I would get cool ass hoop earrings made of crystals.  I can’t wait to eat Turkey this week, it really makes my tired, I wonder how the Pilgrims felt the first time they ate Turkey with the Indians.  If I were the Indians I would have fed the Pilgrims with an ass ton of Turkey and watch them fall asleep, guess who would have the largest musket collection this side of Plymouth Rock….my Indian ass.  Then I wouldn’t have to eat maize all the time…I would get some crazy ass honky to cook all my buffalo and maybe get some fish for me too.  I would end up looking like Shrek, without the ears and not green, but super fat.  I would be brown though, cause I’m and Indian with kick ass earrings.   Who do the Panthers play next, the Colts?  Boy that is going to be the most watch game in the History of the NFL, wow both teams are bad, at least Shrek, I mean Cam, will get a few touchdowns.  If I scored a touchdown I would have the PA guy play Cameo’s Word Up.  “Wave your hands in the air like you don’t care, glide by the people as they start to look and stare. Do you dance, do your dance quick mama, come on baby, tell me what’s The Word, ah – word up!”  Maybe Cam’s dad named him after Cameo, wouldn’t be a bad idea, they do have a best of album, but Word Up’s not on it, WTF!  I gotta go poop.  Hold it now, hit it, Steve Smiff!