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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

I think America has an asshole

brought forth this day: 2011-10-07 16:08:37
I think it's New Orleans. I mean, it makes sense....if your looking at the US as a side profile then Florida is the flacid penis hanging down...and that makes Panama City kinda the taint and the gulf coast our "balloon knot". Just a thought.

I'm not taking anything away from 'Nawlings. I'm also not giving it anything - although I'm prety sure it gave me crabs last time I was there. But that's another story....we're here to talk Football and Tailgating. And I couldn't think of a better way to issue in this weeks game than asking one of New Orlean's own to do tha rant. He's a decorated veteran of our armed services (I actually don't know if he's decorated....but he's got awesome war stories), he grows a mean beard and he can drink a lo of cold beer. And one of those three qualify you to write a rant for the TGRC. The sarcasm may be dripping from his pen like the vomit string from the mouth of some 22 (or 52) year old girl on Bourbon Street, but it's good work, none the less.

So before I turn the floor over....let me just say I expect a solid effort this week on the blacktop and gridiron. Weather will be damn near perfect, I'm cooking a big ole pot of Jambalaya and the Panthers are actually exciting and fun to watch. We have a punchers chance in every game, people. Shit...we should be a legitimate 3 and 1. Fucking Devin Hester.

We'll see you bright and early Sunday. Lastly, take a another look at the videos from last weeks "Ditka Experience" - there are some hilarious outtakes.

Now...as our nation's "asshole" says after a big 'ole bowl of red beans and rice and nite out in the French Quarter......Who Dat? Who Dat? Who Dat say dey gonna write dis rant? Ladies and Gentlemen - Geoff Bent!!!!!

The Panthers have shown so much promise ... We are so much better than last year ... Boy that Cam Newton is Exciting ... Steve Smith is Back ... Yeah, know let's all hold hands and start skipping down the yellow brick road ... I don't know about ya'll but I am tired of hearing this garbage … we want "W's" – wins – now that is what I am talking about! Prediction time … New Orleans Saints --- you are officially on upset alert! Go to Vegas and bet your mortgage … Panthers win 38-35 in dramatic fashion – Olindo Mare is the hero. For the analog people reading this column, details to follow.

Most head coaches inherit a common problem when they take over a team: They need a quarterback in the worst way. Thanks – Coach Fox ...

Teams that don't have one are usually the ones swapping out coaches. But Ron Rivera, in his first season as head coach of the Panthers, looks to be in a pretty good position moving forward.

The Panther's are only 1-3, but rookie quarterback Cam Newton looks like the building block the Panthers need, He has thrown for 1,386 yards, putting him on pace for 5,544 yards. That is some crazy – no wait, Tom Brady like shit.

"We're learning, Cam is a Bull" Rivera said after Sunday's 34-29 loss to the Bears. "As we grow and develop, we're going to get better. The nice thing about today is our guys are going to learn this is how you win football games. Cam and I are going to get matching tattoos this week ... We have a bond. He's learning and our ink is going to look sweet."

At any rate, let's get fired up about our next opponent … the N'Awlins Saints. The Fleur-Di-Lis come into town with a man – no Kicker – who should have own statue outside Bank of America Stadium – John Kasey. When asked about this weeks' upcoming opponent, Kasey commented to a New Orleans Blog, “ I am excited about this game. But, let's face it – about the only thing they have going for them is the Top Cats – Just ask Jon Beason. Am I upset that I got cut? You are damn right! Yes, I am upset that they cut me … and for who? Some immigrant? The government needs to check his Visa. I mean, how does he even pass through airport security?” Opps, there went your statue – jerk.

I don't know about ya'll, but Olindo Mare – TGR has got your back – and you are our secret weapon this week.

Before we get to some serious analysis – let's get one thing straight – Katrina was 6 years ago. Those fools didn't get hit by Katrina – the storm passed the city some 60 miles east in Pass Christian … the Pass as locals call it. Those Cajun SOB's got flooded because they built a city that has an average elevation of -25 ft ... Stupid. Random trivia time, where / what is the elevation of the highest non-man made point in the city? Monkey Hill @ the New Orleans Zoo (+12 feet)… yeah that is where the Monkey Cages are at the zoo … and we want to feel sorry for these Street Car Named Desire Street Walkers? Go back to the Chocolate City.

Back to football, sure the Aint's are lead by Drew Breesus – but he's no Aaron Rodgers. We have Cam – nuff said. They have a three headed backfield – a future Heisman Trophy failure, a midget, and someone who went to Northern Illinois. I'll take our tandem of Williams and Stewart. The defense? The Aint's gave up ten points to the Jaguars --- and in anyone's world of circular reasoning, we gave up ten points to the Jags – so we are even. Franchise comparison: the Saints have only won 6 playoff games – ever! Hell, Jake the Snake won more than six playoff games in Panther's Uniform … Owners? Recall Tom Benson's old ass dancing with his gay ass umbrella after the superbowl ... Gag. Richardson doesn't dance – advantage Carolina.

Game History - Shows that the Panthers win at least once a year against the Saints.

Here's a quick look back at those games:

2010: Just not a good year for the Panthers
2009: Panthers, 23-10 (Saints were resting for the Superbowl run)
2008: Panthers, 33-31 (FG with :01 remaining)
2007: Panthers, 16-13 (FG with :00 remaining)
2006: Panthers, 31-21
2005: Panthers, 27-10 (at Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge, La.)
2004: Panthers, 32-21
2003: Panthers, 23-20 (FG with 10:25 left in OT)
2002: Panthers, 10-6 (eliminated Saints from playoffs)

That's just the facts people ....

And the most important reason the Panthers have the advantage this week … Big Red. Even tailgated at a Saints game in New Orleans? The answer is no – because you'd be too concerned that you'll be shot, mugged, and you'll have to listen to an insane amount of music ... Conjure up the image of the BET Southern Classic – think the movie Drum Line with Nick Cannon. Ya'll know ... the type of music that our friends across from Big Red blare – that “music” inspires the “booty shaking” cheerleading gig every week … gross. Yeah, you go ahead and piss off a pregnant lady … I'm not.

As I have so eloquently described above, this is not a match-up between little sisters of the poor (1-3) and the all mighty Zeus (3-1). Look at how we played the Rotten Cheese Heads.


We'll be at 3rd and Poplar (as always)

Big Red will be out early …like a mermaid calling out your inner New Orleans debauchery

If someone wearing Saints gear come up to chat and says that they are from Chalmette, LA ...Run (You'll know b/c they will be wearing white shrimp boots).

You will sincerely hate yourself if you're not there... your family might even disown you – h/t Haus.

And now for the alternate ending … So Carolina how does it feel to win a Superbowl? Enough Said … Geaux Saints!

*** This rant was written by a member of the White Chocolate Citizen's Foundation – in case anyone cared. Real Score Saints by 24.***