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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

(shot) AGAIN! (shot) AGAIN! (shot) AGAIN! (shot).....

brought forth this day: 2011-09-22 20:09:35
...that's what Hogan was yelling at my last year when we were in Mexico at a bar. I walked up and he was standing there and this silly Mexican was giving fizzy slammer shots. I didn't say anything to Hogan, I just took one. And then he started screaming at me like a drill sergent - AGAIN. My dumb ass kept taking them. But we all know who was the winner of that trip....don't we Mr. Limpy?

I feel like Ron Rivera was screaming the same thing to Cam last week. And holy shit...like me in a drunken Mexican haze...he did it.....AGAIN! And now, we have another back to back tailgate and our "guest ranter" is yelling at you....AGAIN! He's about as far away from a fat little Mexican wearing a sombrero and blowing a whistle as you can get (although I'll bet you damn good money he's paid to have that very scenerio play out in the privacy of his garage). Trying figure out who this weeks rant belongs to. I'll just call him.....CASA! The Tailgate was phenomenal last week. Some of the crew even surprised everyone with a photo booth! Check the pics at FlickerBooth.com. Good stuff.

It's all you, Amigo....tell 'em what to do next. AGAIN!

A few years ago, some friends suggested that I go with them to a Panthers game. They said they knew some folks who were tailgating and so we'd do the whole experience: tailgate, drink some beers, eat some food, go to the game, drink some more beers, go to a bar afterwards, drink some more beers... you know the drill. It sounded like a good plan. Fast forward several years later and the TGRC tailgate has morphed into an animal of its own. It has become a renowned spectacle that's recognized far and wide (or at least by a few dozen people). Big Red is an international icon, for god's sake, and a Charlotte staple at 3rd and Poplar on game days (so much so that the city decided to turn that corner into a memorial park later this season). This tailgate has literally changed my life (for better or for worse), as well as the lives of many others on this distribution. But for all of the fun and enjoyment and memories and camaraderie that this tailgate has provided me over the years, if I had known that at some point it would come with a homework assignment (i.e., writing this rant), I'd have told my friends to go fuck themselves the second that they suggested going to that first game all of those years ago. Nevertheless, here we are again, trying to pick up Jason because he can't keep up with his responsibilities (Jesus, man... get your shit together already, Jason!). So it's with great honor (and plenty of resentment) that I present you with this 3rd TGRC Rant of the 2011 Panthers season.

Rule #1: Never, ever, Ever, EVER follow a legend. It's a "no-win situation" and a "recipe for disaster" and probably three dozen other cliches that boil down to you being on the unhappy side of par (I think that's one of the other three dozen). So here I sit, charged with creating a rant that lives up to the standard set by Jason Oliver and Edis Fulghum. I have no stories about waders, I don't own a 1973 Step Van that was reborn as Big Red, I didn't participate in the 1963 Iridell County Senior Olympic Games, and I have never dreamt about Herb Davis (whoever that is... am I the only one who doesn't know who that is? He's in every other sentence that comes out of Edis' mouth). So you can see what I'm up against here. But here's what I do know: I know a lot less about football than I think I do, but I'm not afraid to make it seem like I know a lot more than I actually do, and I'm even better at spouting out nonsense to try to get to a point that never seems like its ever coming so you just get bored and agree with what I'm saying. Got it? Good. Here we go...

Have you ever seen the movie "Twins" with Arnold Schwaraklsghisdfhgnegger and Danny DeVito? I see a lot of similarities in that movie this weekend. No, I was not referring to Rick and Hogan, or Haus and Jason. I was referring to the two teams on the field this Sunday. In 1995, the NFL gave birth to two new franchises: the Carolina Panthers and the Jacksonville Jaguars. The lives of these "twins" started off similarly enough. Both were two new teams out of The South... both were named after jungle cats (and, coincidentally, jungle cats that are often confused with one another)... both had odd colors and fucked up logos... and both had high aspirations of bringing glory to their respective cities. But here's what actually happened:

  • We started out 7-9... an NFL record for an inaugural season. They finished 4-12. Suck it, Tony Boselli and Tom Coughlin. They're already playing catch-up.

  • The following year, we went 12-4 and won our first division title. We also went to the NFC Championship that year. They didn't win their division.

  • Yes, they also went to their conference championship in their second year, but they've only been to one other since... that makes two in total. We've been to three.

  • We've won a conference championship and have gone to the Super Bowl. They have not.

  • We have also won two other division titles since that second year... that puts us up to three. They only have two.

So you see, since that fraternal conception in 1995, the results are significantly favored towards the Panthers in this sibling comparison. In short, we're the assembly of genetic perfection and they're the left over piece of shit. I, mean, look at them... their own city doesn't even like them. They're the only team in the league that habitually threatens to black-out their games on local television because they can't draw more than 163 people to the game. But my response is: serves you right... should've known better than to put an NFL team in a retirement community.

Now given the recent (and current) state of these franchises, I know there are naysayers who will exclaim, "How can you say you're genetic perfection?!? You were 2-14 last year and 0-2 this year!!" But you know what? That has led us to one more advantage over the Jacksonville Jaguars:

We have one #1 overall pick in our history. They have none.

And that #1 pick is none other than Mr. Cameron Newton. And apparently Cam is good... like furreal good... furreal furreal. 422 yards in Week 1, an NFL record for a rookie debut... 432 yards in Week 2, an NFL record for rookie in one game... so what's next?? I was never exceptional at math and sequences, but if I had to guess what's on deck for this Sunday, I'd have to say 442 yards. Guaranteed.

Here's what else is guaranteed this Sunday:

  • We'll be at 3rd and Poplar (as always)

  • Big Red will be out early in all of her vice-enabling holiness

  • The guys will beat the girls' ass again (the guys will also win at flip-cup)

  • There will be some more fantastic games and entertainment sponsored by some folks who were (inexplicably) NOT at the tailgate last Sunday

  • You will sincerely hate yourself if you're not there... your family might even disown you

See everyone at the tailgate! (Except Edis... Jamie said he's not allowed to go two weeks in a row.)

And if I don't get at least an "A-" on this report, I'm going to puncture your lung, Jason.