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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

It's Good to Come Home...

brought forth this day: 2011-09-14 18:48:03
...to Cam-elot.....or Cam-olina....or one of the many other "Cam" references made in the media this week. Right or wrong, deserved or too early to tell....at least it's exciting... and for that I'm Thankful. It's well documented that I will suspend all rational thought and common sense when it comes to the things I support....like boobies, and beer and .... sports.....and...well that's about it. But that's what fans do. But before I anoint Cam...I need to see a little more. But I'd like to get the oils, crown and robe ready, just in case. We'll see.

But now on to this weeks Guest Ranter. I struggled with who to ask to do the inaugural Guest Rant. A former President? A social icon? Star of stage or screen? The list of willing participants was too many to count. So after long deliberation and consideration, I asked a man whose wisdom is vast. His integrity, uncompromising. He's the love child of a three way orgy between the Dhali Lama, Bhudda and Yoda (i don't know which one is the girl - but you get the picture).

Ladies and Gentleman...I give to you the imcomparable - EDIS FULGHUM!!!!

Now, I must say, after I asked him...I didn't know if he was gonna do it. I sent him a text and he didn't respond. Rather than thinking he simply ignored me....I chose to think he wasn't that up to speed on social media. Until recently he thought a "tweet" was just a girly fart. At the last pool party I was standing next to him and something smelled.
I said, "Damn, Edis, what stinks"?
He said, "Sorry man, I farted. I was just a tweet so it didn't make no sound. Sorry".

But all that aside....when I got home from work today, I found a stone tablet resting next to my computer and chiseled on it was the eloquent ranting of the Oracle...Edis Fulghum. Read it carefully, friends. Digest it. Look for meaning far deeper than what you simply see with your eyes. He'll be taking questions at the Tailgate Sunday on what your interpretation might be.

Big E....take it away.......

It is quite an honor to be asked to write the first home game regular season rant for the 2011 season. The only problem is the phrase "Tough act to follow" was coined the day Jason Oliver was born.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary Definition of RANT: Intransitive verb 1. To speak or write in an angry or violent manner. 2. To utter in a bombastic declamatory fashion.

Wikipedia's Definition: A rant is a speech or text that does not present a well-researched clam or argument; rather, it is typically an attack on an idea, person or an institution.

Jason's Definition of Rant: 1. A great place to practice fast-talking and writing, audiences love a rant they know what ride they're on and their only job is to try to keep up with me. My job is to try to keep up with myself and not get derailed by my own momentum. 2. Ranting is the ability to milk more laughs from a given word or phrase.

Please do not confuse Jason's past rants with a "story" (a narrative with a beginning, middle and, hopefully, an end)

But anyway who cares:

If there is one thing I believe in more than anything is The art of ranting. For those days that just suck, you know, when your car won't start, you are out about 7 miles in the ocean and your son's boat starts to take on water, your coffee is cold, calling time out in Greenville at the State Senior games down by 2 with 8 seconds left and the ref. blows his whistle and informs you that you are out of time outs, the other team gets the ball and we lose. They still call me the white Chris Webber and I still don't think that's funny. By the way Herb Davis (our best player) was wide open when I had the ball and called time out, makes me want to rant just to think about it. Damn even if we had a time out I should have passed the ball, damn it, damn it. Thanks Jason for making me write this and remember that $hit. The only reason you are bailing out on doing the rant is because you got a promotion with you job and can't sleep under your desk anymore, and April is with child and you think that gets you off the hook, such Bull$hit.

Rant! For about two minutes you have the opportunity to let out every single emotion inside your body and just yell it out. Complain, throw your hands up in the air and say "Screw it!" because you can. Rant about the good things, rant about the bad things, rant about that one thing that's stuck in your head. After it's done it's like a complete shock. The moment after, you just feel the relief being lifted off your shoulders, and you just feel better. $hit I can't believe I called time out.

I think this is why Jason is always smiling, or it could be the beer.

So the Green Bay Slackers are coming to town? Headed away from the soon to be FROZEN TUNDRA? The sports page this week in Green Bay said and I quote " Newton gives Packers reason for concern". "Concern really? There is a number that jumps off the page 422. Yes Four twenty-two, Newton passed for 422 yards on Sunday against Arizona, the most ever by a rookie quarterback in his NFL debut.

The jury is out on which college coach said "There are 3 things that can happen when you throw the forward pass and 2 of them are bad" Also some of the Green Bay Slacker fans are saying that Newton will not even reach the 200 yard mark on Sunday. They say no reason to panic, Steve Smith will be locked down. They say Capers will fix most of the mistakes in the Saints game regarding defense. Packers corners are much better than Cardinals and Cam Newton is no Drew Brees. Well maybe?

But we have BIG RED! and BIG RED is BIG RED!

Unstoppable and always at the corner. So let's go people it's the first home game !!!! You know the drill !!! It's 4th and 1 at Poplar and 3rd. Big Red will be there Jason will be ranting, Steve Smith will get open, Newton will pass the ball, good things will happen. YES YES YES IT IS THE FIRST HOME GAME !

Oh my God I am so happy, and Jamie said I could go !