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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

That's soooo Raven...

brought forth this day: 2010-11-17 19:08:21
I really want to write a spirited rant about the game and how any team that would name themselves after something as mundane as a Raven should get the shit kicked out'em. How the Panthers, albeit bad, has a shot and could find some positive in a win, even in a lost season. But I can't. I can't even muster the internal optimism to lie to myself and you. Now don't get me wrong...I'm still a fan and I'll always support 'em. I'd rather shit a cactus than have this kind of season...but this is what we've got. And we've got to deal with it.

The Panthers should go ahead and file assault charges on Baltimore. Carolina is gonna get murdered on Sunday. Ray Lewis may run thru a human body. I mean literally run thru one like you would a paper banner or thin door. No one wants to play. Deangelo is now on IR along with a host of others, Jimmy Clausen "got a concussion" last week and is questionable for Sunday.

But I can't blame them. Who would want to? The O-line can't block, our QB's can't throw. I think we should just put mannequins in Panthers jerseys out there and let's call it a day. If you sell gauze or splints or xray film...you're gonna make a lot of money on Sunday. It may be the first football game that is stopped with a TKO.

But prior to the beat down...there's the Tailgate! And as always...we're gonna do our part. Baltimore is in Maryland. And what is Maryland famous for? Crab cakes!!!! So what are we having at the Tailgate? Well, It's not Crab cakes. But it is the Famous MEAT sandwiches. Beef tenderloin marinated in a Rech family recipe and grilled perfectly to medium rare and served on a warm pita with a touch of horseradish. They're delicious. You'll wash it down with a perfectly fermented beverage. We'll laugh, tell lies and enjoy spirited ribbing and camaraderie.

These Tailgates are tough. Team sucks, no apparent game rivalry, no special theme. But it's times like these where you hone your skills. Where the best ideas are birthed. These are the Tailgates that make the good ones great. This is where we show the size of our balls.

And speaking of balls...this is for the Guys. Gentlemen...we have penises. This is, for most of us, undisputed. And by having a penis that means, genetically, you are the preferred gender. You are afforded advantages that females can't fathom. Besides the whole peeing anywhere thing it SHOULD provide the appropriate skill, balance and dexterity to dominate at the FLIPCUP table. So why are the guys down 3-2 in the standings? It means one of a few things.

  1. Your penis is broken

  2. You're not harnessing your penis power

  3. or that DAMN Blue Magic is really some sort of anti penis elixir.

Well, I for one support the statement by Edward Bulwer-Lytton: " The Penis, mightier than the sword". Now, the girls probably don't even get that joke. Why? Because they don't have a penis!

We're already letting 'em vote and drive cars...do you want 'em beating you at FlipCup too? What's next...them not having your dinner on time? Not having your slippers warmed in the microwave and ready when you get home? Trying to make eye contact? Talking back? We can't let this happen. We need to step it up. We need to tie this thing up and then go ahead and finish the damn job.

So guys...spend some quality time with your penis over the next few days. Talk to it. Get back to basics with it. Let it know you will protect it from the Blue Magic as long as it provides you the power needed to deliver the results you both know you can. The FlipCup Trophy is counting on you...and your penis.

See you Sunday.