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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

We don't even look good on a Mexican TV

brought forth this day: 2010-11-10 19:46:06
I thought being in a dingy Mexican bar drinking tequila might make the Panthers look better. Well......Me equivoque. Like looking at your penis thru a magnifying glass (careful don't do that in the sun), I was hoping it would give a different version of the reality. But as the saying goes - You can paint a turd gold....but it's still a turd. In our case...we painted a bunch of turds blue, gave them a bunch of money, and hoped they would magically turn into gold. I guess we hoped someone would use a football-turd Philosophers' stone on them and they would magically be converted into playoff contenders. But instead this team of Panther turds just needs to be flushed. And probably flushed again. And even then you're gonna have to get the brush to get those last few stains off that Bank of America bowl.

Being constipated with a bad football team is tough. We use the Tailgate as a "football stool softener", and that helps, but there is probably gonna be some tearing anyway. But it'll pass and then the euphoric feeling sets in and you get to start anew. But don't get up yet. Let the numbness set in the legs and feet. There's some more in there we have to get out.

I take some comfort in the fact that this is a whacked-out season. In addition to the impending lockout, you have Favre not only being the attention whore he is but he's sending text pics of his penis, Randy Moss is changing employers so often he's renting hotel rooms by the hour, Cowboys were a Super bowl favorite and they're as bad as we are, defensive players can't tackle anymore without hurting someone's feelings and getting fined $50k, I've missed two home games, and the list goes on. So maybe this is a good year to have a bad year. Fuck that - it's never a good year to have a bad year. People who constantly have bad years made up that dumb shit.

I hear I missed a great Tailgate. Food, Booze, Ice Luges, Pope Rusty....all the things a good Tailgate needs. We stood behind a donkey, ate chimichangas, drank warm tequila and thought we were speaking Spanish by adding "ee" or "y" to everything. Sorta the same thing.

But all that aside....we have a few more to go. There will be some traditional Tailgates coming up and we gotta make the most of 'em. Panthers play Tampa Bay this weekend. Maybe there will be a TV in the bathroom.