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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

Ba-Ba-BOBCATS! You wanna read this start to finish

brought forth this day: 2010-10-20 17:59:45
"It's amazing, I'm the reason, everybody is fired up this evening..." Kanye West

Long before the Panthers were a twinkle in the eye of the Charlotte community there was another sports team that captivated the city. A team that brought the first professional sports "buzz" (pun completely intended) to the state. And to say they were welcomed and supported would be an understatement. When the Charlotte Hornets opened their first home game in 1988 more than half of the sold out crowd had dressed in tuxedos to let the NBA know they were here to support the team. And that love affair continued more than 10 years with the Hornets leading the NBA in attendance and setting new records for merchandise sales. Players like Larry Johnson, Muggsy Bogues and Alonzo Mourning endeared themselves to the fans...but, like most things, sex and scandal fucked it all up. The owner, George Shin, started poking his "Stinger" in the Bee-Hive and, allegedly, not all of the Honey Bee's consented. Long story short...the embarrassment caused a fall from grace and the owner moved the team.

Now, I'm not going to be leading any guided horse and buggy history tours around Charlotte and I don't really give a damn about your Charlotte history IQ. I tell you this simply to let you know there is Love for more than just College basketball in the state. And this weekend at the tailgate, the TGRC is proving it! We're gonna celebrate our current NBA franchise YOUR CHARLOTTE BOBCATS! They are about to embark upon their new season, they're fresh off their first ever playoff appearance, his AIRNESS (MJ) has breathed life and excitement back into the franchise, and most importantly, they haven't lost a game that counts!!!!!

How are we gonna celebrate the Bobcats, you ask? With a good 'ole fashioned TGRC DUNK CONTEST! What does that mean, exactly? Short goals, low verticals, lots of effort and a little embarrassment. It's gonna be AWESOME! Rules and regulations have been constructed and provided to the participants by our very own Fire Marshal Rusty (who will also be competing). Guest judges will include LY's Tailgaters of the Year, LadyCats, Bobcats personnel and You!!!!. That's right folks... we support the Team...the Team supports us. They're gonna have Bobcat ticket raffles, T-Shirts, and all kinda swagg. Wear your Bobcat's gear for some best dressed giveaways, dress like Rufus's Jamaican cousin- Rastafus, sew Panthers and Bobcats clothing together and show the crowd how much you love all of Charlotte's..... Cats (every fiber of my being wants to use the "other" word for Cats).

You're gonna feel like you're at the NBA All-Star weekend...minus the athleticism, artistry and ability. But Hey, that doesn't mean they ain't trying... Costumes, participation, complexity....it all goes into their Dunks. Get there early...you DO NOT want to miss this. It's like knowing exactly where a really bad car accident is going to happen and being able to get a ringside seat in advance. Rusty has the contestants ready to go. All you need to do is show up watch the Magic happen. (Not Johnson...he probably will not be there)

As for what's going on with our other team....well, we're changing Quarterbacks like a mother changes her 14 year old son's crusty masturbatory bed sheets. Both situations are embarrassing so you just keep your head down, don't make eye contact and go about your business. We're playing San Francisco this weekend. Now, there are hundreds of jokes I could make about San Fran but that would be too predictable. What I will say is I don't trust the city or the whole damn state, for that matter.

First off, what's with the fucking Rice obsession? Don't get me wrong, we'll take Jerry but I don't know what the Fuck a Roni is. And who makes Rice your official treat anyway? What's wrong with a cookie or some potato chips or even a nice pastry (in San Fran's case that would probably mean a "long john"- sorry couldn't resist).

I mean, California even wrote their own citizens IOU's for tax refunds. IOU'S!!!!! What's next, San Fran...you gonna put some electricity on layaway? Post date checks for road construction? How about sticking to making good wine, having decent weather, awesome freaks and plugging up some of the damn tunnels to Mexico. It's like a damn human Whack A Mole game out there. Leave the sports to the rest of us. And this weekend the TGRC does a double dip. Go Cats...of all kinds! Gonna be a good time party people!