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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

Keep Hope Alive

brought forth this day: 2010-09-29 17:42:08
Now I know the Panthers aren't a good Football team. But before the season started I had HOPE - and it certainly wasn't supported by anything other than fan'dom....and that's OK. We all have Hopes and Dreams that, deep down, we know aren't gonna be realized.

I'm sure there are pedophiles who dream about having countless kids delivered to their door for long sleepovers. And having the parents, not only approve, but drive 'em over.

There's gotta be drug addicts who wish they had the financial means and physical capability to do all the drugs they desire.

I know there are fat asses who pray over ice-cream sundaes that they could get paid for stuffing their fat faces.

Say what? Michael Jackson, Keith Richards and Eating contest participants? Well....Fuck Me!!!! Then why can't I wish that the youngest team in the NFL with hardly any veteran leadership and a lame duck coach be a 12-4 playoff bound team, and have it come true? I don't get it.

What I do know, is that this season is a purging of the prior attempts to win a Superbowl. Allow me to explain. There are windows of opportunity for everything in life. When the stars align and the window cracks a little, you do everything you can to pry it all the way open. You overpay, you accumulate, you take chances, you experiment, you gamble, you do whatever it takes to break thru. It's like being of average looks, intelligence, athleticism and wealth and somehow banging the hottest girl in school. You immediately tell everyone who'll listen and then try to screw every other hot girl you can before it gets around that you're a two-pump chump, have scrotal acne and/or your penis is better described as a "nubbin".

Well, the Panthers went to the Superbowl in 2003. That was a huge window opening and everything since that time has been an attempt to get back and win it. They've paid big player salaries, they've extended Coaching contracts, they've brought in free agents and traded draft picks. And as a result, they've gone back to the playoffs twice and barely missed it, again, by one game. But alas.....every window closes...and whether you've accomplished your goal or not, you have to deal with the decisions you've made - good and bad. And when the reality sets in that you overpaid for that Elvis Sings Hispanic Lulla-byes Box Set and that you're never gonna use that Make Your Own Sausage From Last Nites Leftovers kit.......you PURGE. You walk to the garage bare ass naked, fire up the pressure washer and give yourself a big ole 1500psi colonic. You stick your finger so far down your throat you can feel your asshole and vomit with enough force to go blind. You haul all your shit to the Auto Zone or Home Depot and put a big sign on it that says LIBERTE MATERIAL A QUIENQUIERA QUE LO DESEA! You clean house and do what you can to survive, no matter how painful, upsetting and/or disgusting. And when it's over....you wipe the shit off the floor, shop-vac up the vomit and when you see half the people at the homeless shelter wearing a Delhomme jersey - rationalize that you helped clothe the needy and take double the cost as a tax right off. But make sure you've put yourself in a position to make another run. I have faith that the ownership will do that. The Big Cat (Jerry Richardson) has always invested in the team when we've had opportunities. Remember, we were 1-15 and survived that and back to being competitive a year later. We'll look different with new coaches and players.....but that's part of the process.

So the logical question is "How do we, as fans, survive this storm"? I'll tell you how. You nuzzle up under the protective and watchful eye of that Mother Hen, known as Big Red. You suckle beer and camaraderie from her never dry or chaffed teats. You stand arm 'n arm with your Tailgate brethren, staring a winless season in the face and giving a middle finger to the opposing teams' cock-sucking fans. When the Steelers fans come to town and talk shit - You stick out your chest and yell "But you still live in Pittsburgh and I'd rather screw a meat grinder than one of your women"! When the Dirty Birds from the A-T-L roll into town and mock us - look at 'em a little confused and say- "Huh? - It's a little hard for me to understand you with that Grill in your mouth - Hey what's it like being able to smile in a mirror and see your entire life savings?"

We're gonna take our lumps this year. It's gonna be easier to find two matching pieces of furniture in Matt Waters house than for the team to win a game. But we will Tailgate, no matter what. IN FACT - I don't want to spoil what's in store, but the next two tailgates have the potential to be the BEST EVER. More details to come. But until then. Sunday is a Funday. And we'll be at Wild Wings. Our game will be on....but so will some worth watching.

See you Sunday.