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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

Jimmy Throws the Ball Hard...

brought forth this day: 2010-09-22 20:23:47
Hey Panthers.....it's one thing to drop a seafood and curry filled Gila-Monster dump on the road in someone else's house.....but in front of your own fans? At least give us a courtesy flush or strike a match, ...Damn!?!? The joint still stinks from that performance Sunday. Smells like someone cooked a bunch of cabbage in your grandma's orthopedic shoes, strained them thru the crotch of her panty hose and served them in her week old crusty Depends. Now, I apologize to all the Grandmothers out there....especially my favorite ones back in Wisconsin....."Ooooohhhh" - (inside jokes don't particularly work well when addressing the masses).

We gotta call 'em like we see 'em, people. We gotta be honest with ourselves....the Panthers looked horrible. No sense in rationalizing bad play. Everybody can see the baby is ugly. You can try and put a positive spin on it, as John Fox has done so many times but you just end up sounding stupid and confusing everyone. . - "Wow...that baby...it...ahhhhh.....looks just like...ahhhh...both your genitals". Huh?
If the baby's ugly...then be a man and say it. "DAMN....now that's one ugly muthafuggin baby. He better breast feed all he can now cause he ain't neeeever gonna see another boobie".

Can't make excuses....can't go around saying "IF". In fact...I'd rather be "F'd" than IF'd anyday of the week. At least when you're "F'd", chances are at some point, you'll be back on Top (so to speak). But Getting "IF'd" ...that's like having the "See Your Doctor if it persist more than 4 hours" problem and all you can do is complain about what you would do... IF...

  • "IF she weren't so tired from giving blood she would've definitely had a drink with me after the $300 meal I bought her".

  • "IF she wasn't still sore 12months after the boob surgery I paid for, I'd be motor-boating her right now".

  • "IF her roommates boyfriend, who is apparently the twin of the guy she use to date, wasn't always over there, I'd already be moved in and not just paying her rent".

  • "IF Haus hadn't shown up to the tailgate wearing ONLY a speedo, rainbow suspenders, hat, stirrup socks and sneakers he wouldn't have scared off every single car that tried to park beside us". Now for those of you that weren't there....every line in that sentence is true. Looked like the pale dude from the movie Powder had a 3-way love child with Mork & Mindy's suspenders, Punky Brewster's socks and this old Crown Royal bag of quarters my Dad had in his work shop. While simultaneously funny and repulsive, I'll give him credit...he's a man of his word.

So, as I've had to say too many times the past two years, all we can control is what goes down in the parking lot. And I must say....that was a hell'uva spirited effort outta this group! Already in mid-season form was the guys flip cup team. 10 Guys - 1 Cup (a variation on a horrible internet video that I can't even recommend you Google.... but if you do it's 2 girls - 1 cup. Don't do it) continued their winning ways. Mac's was delicious (April and I are still eating left overs). The beer flowed freely, the sun was shinning and Big Red sounded good, showing off her new speakers.

This week brings the news that the Irish Pickle......Jimmy Clausen will be the starter! Now the guy is young but he's been groomed his whole life to be a QB. In honor of a Changing of the Guard......Rusty has an ALL THINGS JIMMY Tailgate planned.

And even with decent QB play we can beat the Cincinnati Bungholes! Come on....It's the Bung-holes. These Un-Original bastards chose Orange and Black as their colors...everyday they look like a sad Halloween party full of fat kids. Their claim to fame is Cincinnati Chili which is Spaghetti, Chili and Cheese....all three good things, but again, Un-Original. Hey Cincinnati...You know what else is nice - a bunch of money, good hair and puppies. Why don't you try and lay claim to those too?

I only know one Cincinnati fan....his name is Roger Moore. Many of you know him...he's Rusty's friend from Ohio. "Hey Roger....When I hear the name Roger Moore I think about the guy who played James Bond (after Sean Connery) not you running around drunk in a Bung-Holes jersey looking like a piece of Candy Corn. So unless there's an awesome story behind how you were conceived, - like an egg and sperm were placed in a test tube and you were "Shaken, Not Stirred", there's no excuse for you to be named Roger Moore...except to strengthen my argument that the Bung-Holes are Un-Original". (I'm gonna feel awful if you're actually a test tube baby). The last time the Bung-holes were in Charlotte they got killed. R.I.P. Chris Henry. (What? Too Soon? Sorry.) Come on Carolina....get us on the board with a Win!

Lastly - I will not be at the Tailgate this week. This is the first one I've missed...Ever! What event could pull me away from the Tailgate, you ask? Well....I'll be in San Diego marrying my sister in law. Now, the way that reads some of you will be shocked and others won't see a thing wrong with it. But either way, it's not as it sounds.....I'm kinda "In Charge". I'll actually be the Officiate. That's right...I've got the power to bring people together in Holy Matrimony. I'm convinced my sister in law asked me to do this so I wouldn't get too drunk at their wedding and show my a$$ because I'm missing a home game. Actually I'm honored.
So Big Red will be Captained by Fire Marshall Rusty this week. I'm sure he'll steer her with a gentle and loving hand. She will, in turn, provide for her flock, as always. I ask that you all treat her with care and respect in my absence. Tell her I miss her and I'll bring her something special from San Diego....maybe an illegal to clean her or some drugs to haul.....or a really nice Fish Taco.