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View an Archived Rant - Tailgate Rescue Crew - Rescuing Tailgaters from the Mundane!

You might wanna get something to drink for this.....I've got a lot to say!

brought forth this day: 2009-09-10 15:24:38
It's just days away....can you smell it? Can you taste it? Is your stomach in knots? Are you nervous? You feel like you're gonna vomit? You need to pinch your bathing suit area to keep from peeing a little bit? It's OK.....it's normal. Embrace it, let take hold.....breath it in, salivate over it, double over at the waist, throw up on the floor and piss all over yourself....we understand. But this reaction isn't caused by bad sushi, the swine flu, an overactive bladder or Obama's Health Care plan.... I'm talking about that mega-ton, multi-billion dollar enterprise, behemoth of a season known as FOOTBALL...and it's colossal twin brother - TAILGATING!

And this weekend...we're kick startling these big ole SOB's in the parking lot at 3rd & Poplar! There will be a lot of your old favorites…some new elements and all the fun and frolic of a pubescent Amish boy on Rumspringa (google it if you need to). The big surprise for this week WAS an onsite dunking booth with dunkees wearing an Eagles jersey (seriously) but the parking lot would not let us have it for insurance reasons. But we've got other tricks planned for the entire year.

The thought of tailgating is pulling at you right now, isn't it? You're looking out of your window at work imaging a smoking grill and beer bongs. You wish that bagel your eating at your desk was a brat covered in mustard. You wanna get down to the parking lot and do a keg stand. Choke down some cheese dip, call an Eagles fan an MF'er and keep playing Flip Cup. Yes... It is this time of year that bonds us all like none other (unless you're a D-Bag or Communist and don't like football or tailgating).

There will be plenty of competition in the parking lot - Tailgater of the Year, Flip Cup, Quarters, etc. And this will only be shadowed by what will go down inside of BOA Stadium. Our opponent - the Philadelphia Eagles. Some people hear "Eagles" and think - majestic bird, our country's emblem, soaring and free. BullSh!t!!! They are dirty, nasty creatures. They hate all things that are good. Sitting up there in the tree tops looking down at the rest of us with smearky beaks. My Uncle Claxton saw one peck the eyes out of a new born baby once and let out a bird like laugh as it flew off. True Story. Well, what do you think Marbles (that's what everybody called the kid, b/c he had to get glass eyes) would say about Eagles? He would say the football team and their fans are just like the bird. Dirty, filthy, battery throwing, justice hating, entitlement needing, Nancy Pelosi loving, Liberty Bell breaking, incestuous (brotherly love ain't what you think), SOB's. Their only contribution to society has been the damn cheese steak and while brilliant and delicious...it doesn't make up for all the other societal transgressions. Two words - Michael Vick...need i say more? Now, all this aside...we will have some Eagle fans at our tailgate...they've made their first step to rehabilitation...they got the hell out of Philly. They can exist in peace...but keep your hand on your wallet, don't share a porta-potty and don't let 'em talk you into thinking rope chains and hairy chests are cool.....they ain't.

The team plays at 1:00 but the Kickoff is much earlier. Let's take care of some housekeeping:

Big Red rolls Sunday morning at 7:15am.

- Boardwalk Billy's will be catering the tailgate. This week's menu consists of Eagle Wings, Eagle Tenders, BBQ (pork don't fly) and Mini Cheese Steaks. We're planning on about 60 or so people. Food should arrive sometime around 10:00-10:30. Some will be prepared on site. We will also have dips/chips/etc. Come hungry and thirsty.

- Beverages - as you know we do not sell alcohol. But we will have all types of beverages (especially the fermented kind) on hand for those that have signed up as a member and/or those that want to, without coercion, make a donation.

- Official Flip Cup - Games will be going on all morning. The official game will be captained by myself and April Lundy (she is not an Oliver when we compete). They guys team name for week one is Dangling Fury!

- Get there early, stay late - it's Football people. And it's a beautiful thing.